Something Wicked this way comes.....

Since I love to periodically shock you, my dear dear Flowers.....

......as long as you guys will promise to not make fun of my Slight Southern Accent.....

I'm cooking up something sorta interesting for my pervy little corner of the blogosphere.

I am planning some audio posts.......

I'm going to read some scorching hot, naughty as hell, kick ass erotica.

*VERRRRRRRY EVIL GRIN*

Hopefully I can get through it without giggling at an inopportune moment.

I do tend to giggle when I get nervous.....or excited.....

The first chapter of "The Discovery Series" is called "Watching You". If all goes well, it should be up by Sunday or Monday night....

Obviously, the audio posts WILL NOT BE WORK FRIENDLY, so don't go playing them around people that shouldn't hear them! Lock away the children, the pets, etc...

If you are easily offended by naughty stuff....DON'T LISTEN, 'cause it's gonna get FILTHY 'round these here parts!!!!!

The Stripping Grunter

Scene: Two lone blonde females, working out biceps and triceps, surrounded by a dozen or so REALLY hot men.

Blondage: *concentrating on skull crushers*

The Little General: *spotting Blondage*

And both hear: uuuuuuhhhhhhh.........oooooooohhhhhh.........
uhhhhhhhh........oooooooohhhhhh.....

Blondage: *blinks, looks up at TLG*

The Little General: *trying not to laugh, motion's head towards the gym's resident La Bare dancer/stripper*

And he continues to make noises normally associated with a closed bedroom door: .......uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh.......ohhhhhhhhhh.........
uhhhhhhhh.....ohhhhhhhhh.....uhhhhhhhhh

Blondage: *whispers* Don't you DARE start laughing!

The Little General: Oh God. *moans* He's doing that hard-core active-rest multi-rep routine again.

Blondage: *groans* You're eyes are twinkling! Stop!

And he adds new sounds:
......mmmmmmmmmmm......uhhhhmmmmmm......oooooohhhhmmm...
mmmmmmmmmmmm

Blondage: *glares at TLG*

The Little General: *closes her eyes and whispers* I can't look at you! I can't look at you!

And he is still moaning:
....ohhhhhhh......uuuuuuuhhhhhh......mmmmmmmmmm.......uhhhhhh....
ooooohhhmmmmmmm

Blondage: *deadpan* Ya know, I could die if this barbell hits me in the head.

And he is getting louder........and louder.......and louder............

The Little General: *bends down and whispers* I bet he's good in bed.

Blondage: *notices TLG looks a little flushed*

And he is moaning.....and groaning........and grunting......and suddenly he stops.

Blondage turns to The Grunting Stripper: Was it as good for you as it was for her? *points to TLG*

....and Blondage got high fives and admiration from every hot man in the gym.

Today was a gooooood day.

Tagged for one of those frikkin MEME things

I got tagged under my "Non-Blondage" identity (Yes Flowers, some of you may know me by an entirely different name *grin*) for this damn MEME thing. Since I can't exactly mention some of this stuff on my old vanilla blog, I'm going for it over here.

What's on my night stand.

a cd player alarm clock

a really cute lamp

a nail file

usually at least one cat (it's a big ass nightstand)

various remote controls (sometimes they are on TMWPM's nightstand instead of mine)

birth control pills

And currently lots of remnants from last night's wild monkey love....

KY lube, the kind that heats up

"Hot Stuff" massage oil, cinnamon flavor

A vibe made out of the most awesome purple gel material

A leather ping-pong-shaped paddle that has fur on one side

A "strap"

A book/manual on sexual positions

(Obviously The-Man-Who-Pleasures-Me and I do not have children yet!)

As far as tagging any of you....I'm adopting Cig's way......if you haven't been tagged on this one yet, consider yourself tagged now!

I'm smitten

Blogosphere crushes.

*happy sigh*

Is anyone else suffering from one? Or two? Or ten?

I can think of............oh.........a DOZEN men in particular.

I must be the queen of the blog crush.

The Blondage Twelve.

*melts*

Clever men all...

They make me smile and make me think......and they never throw their underwear on my floor.....

Oh what the hell. I'm naming names, alphabetically of course....

Acidman .....he knows how to cut a watermelon, he drinks Shiner Bock, he makes me giggle every day, he's kinky and flirty and a little bent (just like me!) and likes red toenails.....a girl can't help but develop a big ole crush on that man.

Anonymous Smiley Face Man aka Anonymous DAMN TEASE.....I tried to fight it, but that voice of yours. Dayum. I wanna hear it again!

Bane the Insane .....I know I sound like a broken record, but "humped like snakes across the yard".....crikey.....it STILL makes me laugh just as hard as the first time I read it....plus it turns out we share the same taste in women . *wink*

Ciggy .....'Cause he's smart as hell, he's REALLY tall, has fabulous taste in chocolate, possesses the quickest wit in the blogosphere....and he wasn't mad at me when I "came out" to him this week......*grin*

Colby "CBFTW" Buzzell .....My original blog crush....Damn I miss his writing. His book comes out in the fall. You must buy it. Must! (Get this Flowers! Kurt Vonnegut said of the book, "My War...is nothing less than the soul of an extremely interesting human being at war on our behalf in Iraq." Groovy!)

Hawwwwwt Perverted Friend....'cause he'd be really pissed if he came back from vacay and saw this and he wasn't mentioned....and he's sexy...a total ho-bag but a lovable ho-bag....and one of the funniest people I've ever met....and he's obsessed with me. ;)

johndeerebilly.....one of the first people brave enough to comment on my blog (I wish you'd write one of your own!).... always with a great joke or pun that makes me laugh.....I fell fast and hard for my sweet jdb.

Laughing Wolf ......'cause he's patient, funny, takes beautiful pictures, and allows me pick his smart, experienced brain. And did I mention he's patient?

Mandelbrot's Chaos .....'cause we like the same movies, the same music, have similar political views, and we're the only members (so far) of an exclusive non-Kool-aid drinkers club!

Straight White Guy .....'cause he's a tease (Finish the dang Ghost Story!)....he believes in ghosts (AHEM! Finish the dang Ghost Story!).....he drinks Shiner Bock too.....and he's cute as hell in a uniform (Yes Eric, I saw the "Sand Box" pictures!).....

Tesco .... Weren't we talking about porn ? LOL! My music twin. It's downright scary!

Zoomie ....... The Muse fight ......and the Erotic stories .....and the shared interests.......and he knows how to do manly man things like blow things up.

Oh my dear dear men...you make me a very happy girl.

*melts*

There is a tiny hiccup, seeing as how most of you are married (and so am I)....but if I could have you all.......well, I'd be frikkin dead from exhaustion....but my oh my would I ever go out with a smile on my face!!!!

* * * update * * * Straight White Guy has posted a nekkid profile pic just for me. Now when are you other fellas gonna follow suit? *waits patiently*

* * * update two * * * Someone emailed me and said instead of The Blondage Twelve that I should refer to you boys as "The Dirty Dozen". ROFLMAO! PERFECT!!!!!

Girl Talk

Scene: Two lone blonde females, working out shoulders on free weights, surrounded by a dozen men. Involved in conversation, oblivious to those around them.

Blondage -- It's weird being friends with your gynecologist.

The Trainer, aka The Little General -- You're friends with yours? I don't think I could socialize with mine!

Blondage -- It's really weird when he calls. He just says "Hey girl! This is G!". He believes we've moved beyond me calling him "Dr. Gia******", and just wants me to call him by his frikkin one-letter nickname. Random.

The Little General -- How'd you become friends?

Blondage -- I did him a favor, and we became pals. Today he returned the favor with a year's supply of birth control pill samples. An entire year's worth!!! I couldn't stop laughing. I've had people buy me dinner, send me flowers......but this guy gave me a year's worth of B.C.!

The Little General -- *laughs, pauses, refects......* My husband (the Cage-Fighting-Trainer-Body-Builder-Marquis-de-Sade) won't let me go see a man.

Blondage -- Uhm.....huh?

The Little General -- He doesn't want another man seeing me with my legs spread.

Blondage -- *laughs, rolls eyes*

The Little General -- I go see a woman that I like. *starts giggling and blushing*

Blondage -- What!!! Why are you laughing?

The Little General -- Because she's a Lesbian!!!!

Random guy standing behind us -- THAT'S HAWWWWWWWT!!!!

And we turn around......and the dozen men who were supposed to be working out, were just sitting around, SALIVATING, listening attentively to our conversation....

Erotic things

Oh my goodness Flowers.

If you would like to read some hot BDSM erotica, click here. This one was written by one of my favorite bloggers, Triple Zoom!

I love love love Tesco's new porn site. He is going to feature stories, pics, links to all things naughty.

Woo hoo!

My kinda site!

One more thing.....you might want to wait until you get home.........the naughty pics are great, well worth exploring, will definitely get a "rise" out of you boys (hehehehee) but they are not exactly work friendly.

*evil grin*

Have fun!!!

The Cage Fighting Torture Expert

My next door neighbor is E-V-I-L.

I mentioned him once before here . He's the one who wants to be a cage fighter. Seriously. A frikkin CAGE FIGHTER. Everytime he mentions it I ask him if he spends a lot of time talking to babes on the internet. He STILL doesn't know what the hell I'm sayin', and I lent him "The Precious" TWICE already.

He's pretty blonde for a brunette.

So...we were at the party that I mentioned in the previous post. It was a birthday party for his four-year-old daughter.......and we're at this kick ass mansion on a lake that belongs to The Wee General's ( aka my trainer, aka his wife) Mom. If I had to guess on the square footage of this house I'd say at LEAST 10,000. Damn. It was amazing.

Everyone was swimming in this pool with rock waterfalls and this crazy grecian temple thing....damn I wish I had remembered my camera.

Everyone was drinking. Especially the Cage-Fighter-In-Training.
Cage-Fighter-In-Training is a professional trainer/body builder by the way.

Tough. As. Nails.

CFIT hops in the pool, and challenges his brothers to a wrestling match. The wrestling match is rougher than any WWE/WWF (whatever) thing I have ever seen TMWPM glued to. I mean, this was just CRAZY! Little girls run screaming out of the water...CHAOS ensues......the brothers are just THROWING each other, hitting walls....it was surprisingly violent. At least one of them was BLEEDING.

CFIT starts yelling at The-Man-Who-Pleasures-Me to come join in the pummeling. TMWPM is very strong with a great bod, but these guys lift 500 pounds. Seriously! 500 pounds! So thank goodness, TMWPM declined. I'd miss him if he was dead.

So it's time to eat, and the brothers finally give up on trying to maim each other to refuel. And I just so happen to be standing next to CFIT...

And CFIT has this wild look in his eyes...

And I look at him with what The-Man-Who-Pleasures-Me described as part fascination/part sheer terror........as he proceeds to tell me about this new torturous routine he designed for me and gave his wife to hit me with over the head this week...

And I suddenly realized, I must not hide my BDSMing as well as I thought I did.

I am fully convinced that CFIT has figured out that I am in to S & M, because the abuse he is planning to reap on my body via his wife is rather stunning. Lordy, I wish I had a gym "safe" word. I may not make it out of the gym in one piece on Monday.

So my Flowers, my world has been rocked.

I thought I lived next door to a slightly goofy cage-fighting wannabe body-building sweet but not so smart man.

Wrong. That sweet, goofball thing is totally an act.

He is the Marquis de Sade.

Pray for me Flowers. Pray.

The pussification of America

Oh, what the hell. I'll write something political-ish.

I was at a party tonight, surrounded by gazilions of parents and dozens of children. I'm not a parent yet, so I didn't have much to add to the conversations swirling and whirling about me, but I did hear something that really surprised me.

I realize some of this is going to be old news to you my Flowers, but since it is rare that I get worked up over something non-sexual these days, I thought, oh what the heck. I'm writing about it.

Did you know that most schools are now requiring that teachers grade papers with purple pens instead of red pens? Apparently purple is a "friendlier", less "intimidating" color.
I found a kick ass post on Mad Dog Productions that says

According to a story in the Boston Globe, the reason purple is good for grading papers is that it’s a mixture of red and blue, so it has “red’s sense of authority but also blue’s association with serenity.”

And ends with this killer parting shot:

While we’re at it, why not eliminate grades altogether? Low grades breed low self-esteem, and pass/fail — well, it’s just way too, uh, red. It’s downright cruel to make any child think they failed, no matter how badly they did. That’s why the new system should be pass/passable. And letter grades should only include A, B, and C. Between these suggestions and purple grading, it won’t be long before we eradicate low self-esteem, the world will be at peace, and someone will come up with a study that proves purple turns kids into serial killers. It’s enough to make you see red.

I found these SERIOUSLY INTENDED but LOL funny quotes here:

The idea that red induces stress, especially in younger children, has been around for years, said Lawrence Jones, a psychology teacher and former graphic-design instructor at The Art Institute of California San Diego.

"You associate red with blood, stop and danger," he said. "Teachers, realizing the immense problems they face with kids in education, find avoiding red helps them avoid one more negative in a child's life."

Daniel Ochoa, a color theory teacher at the institute, said purple is associated with spirituality, royalty and elegance. Green is also soothing, he said, because it is the color of the forest and symbolic of refreshment.

Kum-bay-fucking-ya.

Like I said, I am not a parent yet. I don't know what it is like to raise anything without copious amounts of fur.....but am I crazy, or is it not part of my future job and your current job as parents to teach a child the good and prepare them for the bad? If kids don't learn how to fail, how to handle failure, LEARN from that failure, how can they ever succeed in this world? Life is not perfect and I think kids need to be prepared for that! Now I am not saying I would ever be a voice of doom and gloom - I am a very positive, happy person. But it seems to me like educators are stuck in this mentality where they think they need to put children in a bubble. Block out, as Stuart Smalley says "All the bad noise".

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I want my kids to get thrown out in dodgeball, know that red pen means wrong answer, an "F" means failure and getting grounded and you'd better get your act together.

I will NOT raise my future children to be sheltered little pussies.

Damnit.

Damn headlights

How come every, single, frikkin time I go to the gym.....

I'll be working out.....

And mind you, it is WARM in the gym.....

I notice certain men, the same ones every frikkin time....

Staring at my chest......

So I look down.......

And my frikkin nipples are hard.

Damnit.

For the love of beatings!

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Who is that, rampaging along the mountains! It is Blondage, hands clutching an oversized scalpel! She screams gutterally: "For the love of beatings, I bring darkness and mayhem with reckless abandon!!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Enter your name in this thingy dingy, tell it if you are a boy or a girl, and you'll get your own personal "battle cry". I kinda like mine.

Pushing boundaries, setting limits

Emailed question - How do you set "limits"? Who makes the decisions?

First, and most importantly, never, ever go in to a situation blind. You need to have a frank, honest discussion with your partner before you start this sort of relationship.

The coolest part is the "submissive" sets the limits. Now don't tell my other half I realize this, hehehehehe, but I am really in the "power" position. I decide what is and what is not ok. If he ever went too far, I have my "safe" word that I can use and he'll stop. Yes, I willingly give my body to him to use and abuse. *grin* But the amount of it, what I can take, is ultimately up to ME.

The greatest thing about being together so long is that he knows how to push my boundaries but not break them. And my my my does that ever rock.

Doms have limits too. TMWPM does have some, and I like to try and push his boundaries as well. *wicked grin* There's one GIGANTIC boundary he has that I am currently trying to tunnel under. If I have any success, I am sure I will do some sort of victory dance on the blog. *giggling*

I read something the other day about "Hard Limits" versus "Soft Limits". A "Hard limit" is something you won't consider under any circumstances. I won't let anyone anywhere near me with an animal, a needle or a branding iron. FORGET IT! Not gonna happen. EVER. Not that anyone has ever pulled that shit with me, I'm just giving you an example of what some of my hard limits are. A "Soft limit" is something that under the right circumstances you will allow yourself to be "forced" (ha!) to do. It's that whole NO! DON'T!!! NO! STOP!!!!! thing that turns in to Don't stop EVER! Some people, like say....ME.....have a "thrill of the forbidden" fetish. "Soft limits" are basically a free pass to naughty-ville.

And naughty-ville is such a glorious place to live.....

- - UPDATE - -
I love me some Gut Rumbles. Acid Man is totally my hero. But I think this post sorta got misunderstood. Just to make it clear, this stuff is FUN! And meant to be. And my "thrill of the forbidden" fetish is about kinky stuff like anal sex. I do not have any sort of rape fetish/rape fantasy/etc. No no no!!!!! Now Acidman, come over here so I can spank ya. *grin*

Separation anxiety, Last night, BDSM tutorials, Emails

1. Hawwwwt Perverted Friend, aka HPF, is going out of town for two weeks.

Damnit. I am already going through withdrawel symptoms. Pitiful really. But it's the first time since we became close that I will go more than two days without talking to him, and that is just going to freak my shit out. Be gentle with me Flowers. I am going to be a bit grumpy.

2. About last night.....

I have met quite a few new peeps because of this little blog experiment the last couple weeks, and it has been such a pleasure. Heavy emphasis on pleasure. My goodness. Do you guys ever read erotica? I read a BDSM story last night that made me so hot that I (blondage edit on 7/23) totally jumped The-Man-Who-Pleasures-Me's bones. Dayum. Intense. And that's all I'm sayin' 'bout 'dat. ;)

3. Dearest Anonymous

I promise I will work some more on my "How to spring on your partner that you want to tie 'em up and spank 'em until you both cum" post. If I can't get it up *snicker* today, it will be some time this weekend for sure. Real life is interfering in my blog time today.

4. Emails!

I am soooooo loving the emails you guys are sending me. I am a greedy wench. More please!!!

Flustered. Flabbergasted. Flummoxed.

....and a few other "F" words.....

Oh my.

I may write a bit about tonight my Flowers.......or I may have to keep this one to myself.

*wicked grin*

When gimpy arms attack!

After much (careful) tossing and turning, I finally fell asleep last night watching MSNBC (I swear it is better than a sleeping pill).

At some point in the middle of the night, I rolled over on what I am now just calling "the gimp".

YOUCH!

I sat straight up in bed yelping, scared the crap out the cat who scratched the shit out of my arm and promptly jumped on TMWPM and scared the crap out of HIM.

Chaos. Utter chaos.

So after everyone finally calmed down and stopped growling (and yes, we were all three literally growling at each other) I laid there, taking deep breaths, counting sheep.....Trying to go back to sleep and ignore the throbbing (yes, for once I am writing about BAD throbbing instead of good)......

And then.

Words from the still turned on TV began to pierce my brain.

I kept hearing this voice.

It sounded young.

Chipper.

Irritating.

Like nails on a frikkin chalk-board.

I opened one eye, and WHO DO YOU THINK IT WAS?

Effing Tucker Carlson on repeat. I am beginning to think that man is haunting me. Stalking me. He wants me to spank him. He NEEEEEEEEEDS for me to spank him. And ohhhhhh how I long to fullfill his wish....

*grumble*

*whimper*

My left shoulder started clicking last week at the gym.

Tonight I was doing an inverted-fly and it started popping. Loud. By the time I got home it was absolutely throbbing. Shit. I swear, I have a very high tolerance for pain (that should be obvious, given my kinks. *grin*). But gosh. I haven't been sore like this since a car wreck I had when some crazed lady in a mini-van tried to kill me late last year. My shoulder frikkin HURTS.
How long does it take for a rotator cuff (sp?) to heal anyway?

On the bright side, I went up in all my weights and rotation lengths today.

Yay me.

We gave sex a shot tonight, but you'd be surprised how hard it is to keep an entire arm stable during.....uhm.....thrusting. The-Man-Who-Pleasures-Me is NOT HAPPY because now he has to be more gentle with me.

Damnit.

I don't like gentle.

I had to pop a vicodan afterwards. Youch.

This has the potential to seriously fuck up my crazy little sex life.

*sob*

So yes my Flowers, I am blogging under-the-influence. My eyes are beginning to feel a bit crossed as the vicodan is beginning to kick in.

Since I don't want to end this on a downer note, and I get mushy when I'm under-the-influence, I think I will end the *whimper* post by talking about someone I care for very deeply.

I have this incredibly wonderful male in my life. He is clever and amusing. God he makes me laugh. He's soooo cute. He's smart as hell. Even though he doesn't always understand me, he's the greatest listener. He really likes me. Sometimes he drives me crazy, like earlier today, but it is soooo worth an occasional aggravation to have him in my life. So, I'd like to send a special shout out to.....my dog. Just watch the left arm for a while, ok Puppy?

Pleasure and Pain and Self-examination

And no, you pervs, this is not a post about masturbation. Maybe tomorrow!

I was having this slightly odd but good conversation with someone about the concept of pleasure versus pain last night. I totally rattled that very nice person (sorry!) with my enthusiam for the subject, and the conversation went all over the place...I'm so blonde......and I never got to finish my explanation. I promised to write about it today, so here we go.

Pleasure versus pain.

I started writing my explanation this morning.....but then something sorta....well.....I hesitate to use the word bad...but it certainly wasn't fun.......happened today that through me for a loop and freaked my ass out for a bit.

And it got me thinking.

Don't be scared my Flowers. It's going to take me a minute, but I swear I have a point.

The balance of pleasure versus pain is not strictly a "BDSM" thing.

All of life is about that delicate, and sometimes fragile balance between pleasure and pain, good things happening and bad things happening. Take this not-so-good thing that happened today. Am I glad it happened? Yes and no, but mostly yes. No, because who wants to be upset! But yes, because *singing* I can see clearly now the rain is gone......(tho that isn't exactly true, it's pouring outside, but you know what I mean)......and certain things make more sense....and I think everything is officially out on the table now, so to speak. It had better be or that person will officially go on the spanking list. Grrrrrr.

When you are in a relationship with anyone - friend, lover, spouse, handsome pool boy.......there's always going to be something you have to ignore, overlook, forgive or forget to keep them in your life. The "Bad". No one is perfect. Well, except for me. *grin*

My other half throws his boxers on the floor every night, drinks out of a milk carton, and doesn't understand that dishes do not magically make their way from the sink-to-the-dishwasher-to-the-cabinet, but I'm not going to kick him out of my life for any of it.

So, having the experience of the not-so-good episode today gave me a lot to think about, and, I hope, is going to help me explain what I was trying to explain to that very nice but slightly nervous person last night.

I've been accused all my life of only seeing "the good" in people. Gets me in trouble all the time. Now here is where my noodle got bent today - maybe that is part of the BDSM fire for me? I don't dwell on the pain, just like I don't dwell on the bad in people. I can't "see" the bad anymore than I can "feel" the bad. I get in to this "zone", where all that exists is me and the person I am with, and that's all I see, all I care about. I'm....incredibly focused.

Sometimes to get the good, the earth-shattering world-rocking reward as it were, you have to take the bad and absorb it. You get your back up, you find the strength to keep plugging away, stay in that situation, you take it, you take the pain, because you know in the end the good, that "reward", will be and IS so worth it. I could be talking about any life situation in this paragraph - toughing it out in a rocky marriage, forgiving a friend or lover for a lie or deception, toughing it out at a job you don't like much....anything in your life could apply.

But that's what BDSM is like for me. I absorb the snap of a crop or a slap of a hand. It's not always easy, sometimes it does hurt, sometimes I do feel that pain, but the need for the ultimate reward, the incredibly good, kickass orgasm that I absolutely know and trust is headed my way, overpowers any momentary doubt that I may experience.

Don't sit under the apple tree...with anyone else but me....

You Are An Apple Tree

You are quiet and shy at times, but you have lots of charm and appeal. You are quite attractive: your pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, and adventurous spirit draw people in. Sensitive and loyal in love, you want to love and be loved. You are a faithful and tender partner - who is generous in sharing your many talents. You love children, and you need an affectionate partner.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

Hat tip to the Laughing Wolf. :)

Can I file abuse charges for this?

AKA, word of the day post.....

Time: Last night, approximately 11:30PM

Place: A comfy bed in a dark room

The players: Me and Other Half

Other Half: Love-you-night (he says it really cute, like it's all one word)

Blondage: Love you too (deleted sappy, some might say annoying nickname)

Peace and quiet descends upon the house of blondage.

Blondage:.... falls half asleep.....

And then.

TMWPM:.....giggles in a very naughty way.....

Blondage: ....feels the covers flapping.....realization dawns.......and SHRIEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Other Half:......laughs hysterically.....

Blondage:.....gasps for air, runs screaming for the air freshener.....

Other Half: "Damn Babe, that was a good one."

Blondage: "What the hell crawled up your ass and DIED?" *sprays copious amounts of air freshener everywhere* "What the hell did you eat????"......*gasping*......

Other Half:......laughs hysterically....."Nothing out of the ordinary, I swear!"......

Blondage:.......crawls back in bed growling......tries to go to sleep and pretend it is normal for the bedroom to smell like a lemon farm....starts to drift towards sleep.....

Other Half:......starts laughing again.....

Blondage:.......feels covers flapping again.....SHRIEKS......."ABUSE! You're ABUSING me!!!!! I've been assaulted by your ass! You ASS-aulted me!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Other Half:.....laughs harder....."God I love you".

Blondage:......*moans in exasperrated pain*

So my Flowers, the word of the day is ASS-aulted. *growl*

I am dark and mysterious damnit!

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A hawt little sex quiz...

Copy this entire list into your blog/journal, or tackle the list in my comments if ya want.
- BOLD everything about you that is true.
- Leave plain anything that is false about you.
- Put an asterisk * at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.

I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on (blondage adds -- this was only true BEFORE my current relationship)

I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I enjoy being spanked.
I have spanked someone and enjoyed it.
I have a tickle fetish. (blondage says.....don't. you. dare. EVER. try. to. tickle. me. because. I. will. bitch. slap. you.)
I like being choked during sex. (blondage says....eeeeew.)
I have had sex in a burning building. (blondage adds....sorta...it was a candle wax fight that caught the drapes on fire, and it was quickly extinguished....)
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex. (blondage adds...oh puh-leeeeze)
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity. (blondage adds....No thanks. I'd prolly just scare 'em anyway)
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac. (Blondage adds....not "some". MOST people. ROFL!)
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex. (Blondage adds....I don't HAVE to have it, but I do like it.)
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers. (Blondage adds....I was young and drunk)
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.*
I stopped during this list to have sex.*

Damn. It's official. I'm a ho-bag.

Today's featured position....

Because I spent the majority of this rainy Sunday engaged in coital bliss, I, of course, am sticking with a sexual instead of political position.

Now that I think about it, almost all of my "positions of the week" have been sexual in nature. That speaks volumes about me doesn't it!

So, today totally ruled. We never did have sex in the backyard in the rain like I wanted (the neighbors were on their back porch most of the day, and they have small impressionable children)......but we more than made up for it elsewhere.

We tore the house up. Seriously. TORE. IT. UP. I should take a picture of what we did to the kitchen. Remember that scene in Bull Durham where Kevin Costner knocks everything off the counter/table/whatever it was and throws Susan What's-her-name down and goes at it? That was us today on my kitchen island. Ooomph.

We eventually gravitated to the bedroom to take a nap and snuggle.

Which brings me to today's featured position.

We fell asleep naked, spooning, listening to the rain.....it was wonderful.

I woke up to The-Man-That-I-Bang burying his face in my hair and kissing the back of my neck, which is one of his "signals"...know what I mean girls? If he kisses my neck or touches me a certain way, I can read him like a book.

Which brings me to today's featured position - spooning.

We were on our left sides. My head was resting on his left arm. He had his right armed wrapped around my tummy (at first anyway).

TMTIB likes to grab my top leg, in this case the right one, bend my knee up, and reach around and touch where we are connected. That makes me crazy....

Something about the way we fit in this position makes us both hit orgasms pretty fast, so if we want to last for a long time, we do something else.......but after having screwed like rabbits all day long.....this was perfect.

Today was a woooooooonderful day.

Here comes the rain

Hot sticky scenes, you know what I mean
Like a desert sun that burns my skin
I’ve been waiting for her for so long
Open the sky and let her come down

Here comes the rain
Here comes the rain
Here she comes again
Here comes the rain
I love the rain
I love the rain
Here she comes again
Here comes the rain

Ahhhh....."Rain" by The Cult.....the perfect theme song for my Sunday. It is frikkin POURING outside and has been for like....ever.

Oh what to do what to do.

*eyes The-Man-That-I-Bang paying bills*

*thinks incredibly naughty thoughts*

I really want to go have sex in the back yard. Have you ever had sex in the rain? Something about it is so bloody sexy to me. Yum.

*stares at TMTIB, willing him to pay faster*

I like faster. Harder is good too. Mmmmm. Wet from the rain, wet from the throbbing, pulsing.....

*mind continues to wander*

Oh, wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Rain.

*wicked grin*

Fuck the bills. I have needs. ;)

Update -- check out the comments on this post. I am still howling over "humped like snakes" and "humping towards a beer" . OMG!!!!

It is what it is....

I am sitting here at work, staring at my label maker on my desk. I tend to go on a tangent and label things that don't really need to have labels. I like to do files within files within files within files.... I may sound like an organizational freak, but that's sooooo not me. I am not one of those people that has to have everything exactly in it's place. No no no (I believe in "organized chaos". I always know exactly where everything is, but YOU will never find where I hid the bodies.). I just like to categorize things.....well, that and I love to play with the buttons on my nifty little label machine. ;)

I had a smartass ask me once if I was going to stick a label on his forehead that said "boyfriend" and one on my pet's forehead that said "cat". I paused to consider the idea, and decided against it. He bites. So does the cat.

*rim shot*

This playing-around-with-the-proverbial-label-machine thing carries over in to people/relationships/etc for me. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming need to categorize people -- Companion, Acquaintance, Friend, Best Friend, Confidant, Lover, Significant Other, Hero, Asshole, Jerk-Off, Terrorist Fuck, etc...

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about how to file those of us who are friends through the vaporous matter that is the blogosphere, but have never met in real life.

Do you guys think about that? Is this real? It feels like it to me. I guess like in all matters, it means something different to each individual.

I've finally made peace with my failure to tie this up (hehehee) with a pretty bow. There's not really a conventional label for us. And for some reason, for once, I have grown to be ok with that. I even like it that way.

Fuck conventional. I'm enjoying myself.

One of the best break-up-songs ever

Tesco, one of the coolest guys I've met during my travels in the blogosphere, has been posting about one of my all time favorite bands -- Bauhaus .

If you've been through a break-up recently, or hell, even not so recently, listen to the song "Crowds", available via Tesco here .

It includes the lyrics
"For you I came to forsake
Lay wide despise and hate
I sing of you in my demented songs
For you and your stimulations
Take what you can of me
Rip what you can off me
And this I'll say to you
And hope that it gets through
You worthless bitch
You fickle shit"

God I love that song.

For the complete lyrics, click here .

Peter Murphy fucking rules.

PS
If you like industrial, Tesco also provides a kick ass remix version of Front 242's Headhunter Loves it.

5 worst pick up lines....

-- according to askmen.com --

(brace yourselves my Flowers)

Number 5

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag."
Okay, so you know what Braille is... good for you. You may need it after she gouges your eyes out for insinuating that you could fondle her breasts without consequence. Generally speaking, lines that could be used at porn conventions are of no use in mainstream settings.
(Blondage says......wanna spend the night in "the big house" protecting your ass from horny scary men? Try this one.)

Number 4

"I just want to tell you that you have a price to pay for being this cute, and I'm here to collect... your phone number, that is."
It's fairly witty, but drags on for too long. And she'll expect some celebrity to burst onto the scene and pitch you a collect-call phone program.
(Blondage says.....it is a little long, but I actually kinda like this one. Stop at "collect" tho.)

Number 3

"Did you know women are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?"
Mr. Sensitive, "come on down!" Comparing women to cement on which cars are parked will not get you far, while implying that a woman is handicapped if she's single is going to put you in the ER.
(Blondage says.....only an asshole would try this one.)

Number 2

"Can I buy you a drink or do you prefer the cash instead?"
As a general rule, implying that she is a hooker will not work. Leave that for the streetwalker get-togethers and offer her a drink instead.
(Blondage says....I'd put my hand out for the cash and knee him in the balls.)

Number 1

"If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"
Are you asking her whether or not she's a virgin? Why not ask her whether it's that time of the month while you're it? Leave the references to her box and your tools out of the dialogue, if you want to leave the bar in one piece.
(Blondage says....bad bad BAD idea. Husbands, say this to your wife and she might (heavy emphasis on MIGHT) giggle. Single boys, say this to a chick you're trying to pick up and you're going to get bitch slapped.)

5 best pick up lines....

....according to askmen.com........

-- The best --

Number 5

"I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."
Believe it or not, only good-looking guys should use this one, since they'll be viewed as modest. If a guy uses this and he is ugly, then it's a sign of insecurity, which is a huge a turnoff. Generally, this line passes because it proves that the guy is down-to-earth. It will surely throw her off guard as she might get offended. Use with caution.
(Blondage says......what kind of crack was this magazine smoking when they put this one in there!?!?! BIG NO NO NO!!!!!!!! Do NOT use this one. This one is INSULTING!)

Number 4

"You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy."

If you ever spot an attractive woman and would like to approach her, this line is funny in a childish manner and women tend to laugh off funny lyrics such as this one.
(Blondage says......heard it. Only use it if the chick is reeeeeallly drunk and reeeeaalllly blonde.)

Number 3

"What's your name?"
Instead of saying something like, "baby, we're like two banks: we both have interest in each other and we should merge," this one is simple and will not insult her intelligence. It may be the oldest one in the book (well, "come here often?" takes that award), but this one is genuine and direct -- two important qualities.
(Blondage says.....simple is definitely good. If it is an obvious line you've used a thousand times before, you're gonna piss me off.)

Number 2

"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute."
Extremely original, this line will make you stand out from the pack. This line virtually guarantees that she will smile.
(Blondage says......eh. I've heard better, I've heard worse. I'd probably assume your friend was gay tho.)

Number 1

"So what haven't you been told tonight?"
Very original, this line will make you stand out from the other men. You acknowledge that she has been getting hit on all night and you do not wish to add to her frustration. However, you are confident and interested enough to try your luck without insulting your intelligence.
(Blondage says......I still think obvious lines are irritating. I'd have put "What's your name" as number one. I guess this one is aaiiight, compared to a lot of the bullshit on this list!)

Answering the Sphinx

Today's word-of-the-day comes courtesy of Laughing Wolf.

He wanted to know if I "answer the sphinx". Of course, me being the total nerd that I am, I assumed it was some sort of reference to Sophocles (Oedipus gained the rule of Thebes by answering the riddle of Sphinx ya know)....but nay my Flowers. It was something NAUGHTY! Woo hoo!!!!!!

Sphinx waxing refers to hair removal around the anus, perineum and vagina.

A beautician asks the client to lie down and raise the legs. Hot wax is then spread over the bottom, anus and vagina and then ripped off with cotton strips.

The pain of course can be quite acute and it may continue for some time afterwards.

If anyone has any Sphinx Waxing stories, please feel free to share. I think I will go take a vicodan in your honor.

Oh. And by the way, the answer was no. I have gone Brazilian (which is close), but tend to stick with light landing strip. Less pain. I don't like BAD pain. ;)

Today's featured position is.....

.....a more simple sexual one.

I got a couple of email complaints about the last one being "intimidating". LOL!

So.....this one is not complicated at all....and I really like it.

When I'm in the mood to be on top, I usually do it this way.

The-Man-That-I-Bang -- is on his back

Blondage -- I climb on, put my knees on the sides of his hips, but instead of facing his head I face his feet.

The-Man-That-I-Bang -- likes to grip my hips. Yum.

Variations -- he will put his feet off the bed and flat on the floor while I sorta half stand with my back to him....he might lay down or he might be sitting up. This is actually a great workout for my thighs.

It's also a great spanking position.

mmmmmMMMMmmmmm

May have to do this one tonight.

;)

I smell sex and candy....

I've always loved chocolate. It makes me tingly.

Chocolate An Aphrodisiac? Chocolate was thought to have aphrodisiac qualities by the Aztecs, so when it was first introduced to Europe it was natural that people continued to associate it with love. The reasons for this are associated with the observed affects of chocolate on human behavior.

Chocolate contains substances called Phenylethylamine and Seratonin, both of which (put simply), are mood lifting agents found naturally in the human brain. They are released into the nervous system by the brain when we are happy and when we are experiencing feelings of love, passion or lust. This causes rapid mood change, a rise in blood pressure and increasing heart rate, inducing those feelings of well being, bordering on euphoria usually associated with being in love.

Eating chocolate also releases Phenylethylamine and Seratonin into the system producing those same euphoric effects, plus it can give a substantial energy boost thus increasing stamina (at the critical moment?), so it's probably these effects which gave rise to chocolates reputation as an aphrodisiac.

Recent research suggests that women are more susceptible to the effects of Phenylethylamine and Seratonin than men, although Casanova is said to have consumed chocolate before frolicking with his conquests, but there's no mention of him actually sharing it with them.

So there you have it, calling Chocolate an aphrodisiac is probably stretching it a bit, but eating chocolate does make you feel good and can actually induce or 'mimic' the feelings of being in love...

So, aphrodisiac or not, if you want to ensure your loved one’s devotion, a gift of chocolate is the way to do it and you can’t do better than a gift of our Ecstasy chocolate, handmade in the English countryside, specially for a loved one! .
Written By: Janet Vine - Aphrodite Handmade Chocolates.

Soooo......wanna get lucky? Buy me some Godiva truffles, and it's ON!

Why liberals REALLY hate republicans

A guest post....written by my incredibly Hawwwwt, completely Perverted, Twisted-but-in-a-good-way Friend. I will pop in a few comments along the way, and write a bit of my own at the bottom. Be brave my Flowers, and read on.
- - - -
Hawwwwwt PF here.

I thought I needed to chime in with my own two cents here for a bit. Since it seems our little friend Blondage and her little blog has seen a lot of visitors, yet very few comments. For shame lurkers! (Blondage adds....YES! WTF is that about?!?!?!).

(Blondage adds.....have you kids braced yourselves yet? HPF is soooooooo about to stir up some trouble!)

I thought the record needed to be set straight once and for all on the reason the Liberals really hate us. (Us being Republicans.)

No, it's not because of Iraq or Homeland Security or the Patriot Act or Bush W. "stealing" both elections or any of that other horse shit that the typical Liberal will throw out at you.

Nope.

The real reason?

Because we Republicans have better sex!

Yep I said it Libs.

We have better sex than you!

"Oh but wait a minute, let me cut through this stench of patchouli for a minute and refute that" says a typical Lib. (Blondage hates patchouli)

"You all are right wing Christian fundamentalists who only have sex once a year!" he/she/it will say. "How can your sex possibly be better than ours?" (said in that smug little tone that Liberals love to use)

Oh Cointreau Mon Ami (Blondage laughing ass off..."Cointreau"?!??! YUM! *high fives HPF*)! That's what we want you to think! Seems we had you thinking that right into losing the last election did we not? Bam!

Think all you want how all Republicans are suddenly transformed into the religious right. Go ahead. Think it.

In the meantime the majority of us will be having hot, nasty, monkey sex and laughing at you libs the whole way to orgasm city. (Blondage adds, I happily visited that city 4 times last night! *wicked grin*)

Yes, we all know that a lot of Democrats are not the vocal, screaming, whining, crying, frothing at the mouth Liberal type that we all know and love. Many are more like us, more on the moderate side of things. Enough of them showed up in November to NOT vote for that idiot Kerry. We know they are out there. The problem is they have been drowned out by their more vociferous brethren of the farther-left sort. (Blondage laughing harder..."VOCIFEROUS BRETHREN"? What a great name for a blog!) They are the ones who think they have better sex than us because they all think we are religious fundamentalists. Lol.

Let me tell you all something. Sure I was raised Catholic, but I am one of the kinkiest bastards you are ever going to meet (Blondage adds...one of your many fine qualities in my humble opinion). I enjoy hot, nasty, sweaty, kinky, monkey sex. The more the better (Blondage adds....more is definitely better).

I heard a liberal talking about 'red state sex' vs. 'blue state sex' a little while back. I mean how ridiculous is that? She was saying how 'red state sex' must be so boring because we are all so on the religious right. But at the same time she was lamenting the fact that she couldn't find any guys in her 'blue state' to fuck her brains out in the kinky manner she so wanted.

I was like "honey, you cannot believe how many hot, kinky people live in red states. And you can't find anyone like that in your blue state? Isn't that telling you something?" And this girl is a very attractive girl! Must be those Liberals having all that great sex again, huh?

She had no answer by the way.

So the real reason Liberals hate us, is because they know we are some kinky bastards who can just out fuck them. Any day.

A Liberal couples' idea of foreplay is getting into some 3 hour animated discussion of how stupid W is, but at the same time giving him and his cronies credit for being some evil super-genius for having this grand scheme in raping the world, or about any other assorted hot topic that is the whine du jour, and commiserating about how evil us republicans are.

Then, when they actually do get down to business, the whole time the Liberal man is worrying about feelings, not wanting to seem too aggressive, wondering if he is doing everything just so, not making any noise because he may just offend his Liberal girl, because Jesus he may seem sexist or something if he even made so much as a grunt. (Blondage just laughed coffee out of her nose. DAMNIT! Easy HPF! Take it easy!)

And they talk about having better sex than us! You notice that Liberals only date other Liberals? I mean seriously, who the fuck wants to put up with all that bullshit just to get laid?

Now us Kinky Republicans? Well, we aren't so uptight about things. Sure sure there is the 'getting to know you' part and all that, but once you are past that? Look out baby! Because I am going to get to know what gets your motor running, what turns you on. And call you at your office and tell you nasty little things that will get you squirming in your seat all day, thinking about what I am going to do to you. Then when we get together, it's all about the taking, the ramming, the sweating, the grunting, groaning, moaning and screaming, the clenching, the tensing. (Blondage squeaks....)

See, I'm not worried whether the next Supreme Court Justice will be a leftie or a rightie. Not now. All I'm worried about is pumping in and out of you. Hard. Using my whole body to drive into you. Whispering and gasping nasty things into your ear. Sucking, biting, pulling, twisting, slamming, spanking, sweating, making sounds like a wild boar in heat. That's what I'm focused on right now. (Blondage....headrush.......must....not...pass....out.....)

Threesomes and foursomes? Shit. That's not Liberal domain either. Had my share, thank you very much. And I intend to have more. (Blondage says.....I feel another guest post coming on....FOURSOMES? You must enlighten my Flowers on that topic...)

See, we are relaxed because we have great sex.

You ever see a relaxed Liberal?

I didn't think so.

That "supposed great sex" they have must not be all that its cracked up to be. I mean I can't blame them really. If I don't have a body clenching, screaming orgasm periodically, I'd be frothing at the mouth just like they are. (Blondage....have to agree with ya on that part. I get downright wacky on no orgasms. See post from yesterday!)

So, the next time you talk to a Lib and he/she tries to tell you how great their sex life is, but yet when you start to debate it, and in less than ten minutes they end up making scathing references to Hitler, Nazism, Fascism, the SS, Jingoism or the EVIL DICK CHENEY? Just tell them:

Dude, you really need to get laid. Well.

Because I'm telling you right now, give me 2 hours with a liberal chick? I'll have her singing a different tune. A totally different tune.

And THAT is why they hate us. because they know the truth.

I'm the Hawwwwt PF and I'm out...

Now I turn it over to Blondage for further comment...
- - - - -

Blondage here.....

*clears throat*

Bad man. BAD!!!! I think I need a cold shower now.

You probably already figured this out.....but my very Hawwwwwwwt Perverted Friend is not exactly known for being "politically correct".

Ahem.

I had a Liberal boyfriend in college. I didn't have an orgasm until after we broke up (and now that I think about it, my first orgasm was with a Republican Marine!), so I guess that ex-bf kinda fits in to your hypothesis......and he DID talk my ear off about "important events" in bed....and he definitely never tried to figure out how to push my buttons.

I have to disagree with you a tiny bit though HPF. I refuse to believe Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails lead singer for my Flowers not in the know) isn't a ferociously kinky bastard in bed.

*sassy wink*

Ode to an Acidman, he of the mighty Gut Rumbles

A blogosphere affair....... told entirely in 70's-80's song lyics....

First I was afraid
I was petrified...

Wheels go round and round
In my mind....

smooth operator,
smooth operator....

Don't worry, be happy....

And still those voices ( in my head saying if you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain)
are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say....

whip it
into shape
shape it up
get straight
go forward
move ahead
try to detect it
it's not too late
to whip it
whip it good...

All the kids in the (blondage edit) blogosphere say:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...

Last thing I remember
(Blondage edit) Acidman was running for the door
had to find the passage back to the place (blondage edit) he was before
"Relax," said the nightman,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
But you can never leave."....

Another one bites the dust....

*wicked grin*

You know it's bad when it's too hot for sex!

Our air conditioner has been broken for 5 days. We live in the South, where it is hotter than hell right now...so the whole lack of air thing has completely fucked up our sex life. We were so horny last night we seriously considered going "parking" like a couple of teenagers!

But the dry spell ends today.

Blondage texts to Man-That-I-Bang -- OMG! I think I feel a breeze!!!!

MTIB response -- SWEET LOVING DOWN BY THE FIRE!!!!!!!!

I am soooooo getting lucky tonight.

Position of the week.....

The Political One - Fuck Terrorists. Kill 'em all.

The Sexual One - This one is not for the limberly-challenged, but is pretty easy to explain.

Blondage - I stretch out first!

Start with basic doggy-style.

Blondage - I flatten forearms on bed. I usually rest my face on the bed for this one. Girls, remember those old aerobics back kicks from this position? Pick a leg and do one.

The-Man-That-I-bang- grabs the leg that I kick back, places it above his shoulder (I go with my right leg, so it rests on The-Man-That-I-Bang's right shoulder.

Blondage advice to girls - if you are not limber enough to keep your leg straight, you can adjust this one by bending your knee, and rest the top of your foot flat on his shoulder

TMTIB - holds my leg steady, and goes for it. Great position for deep penetration. TMTIB usually spanks my ass hard from doggy or doggy variations.....LOVES it.

If you are feeling particularly adventurous, let your man grab the other leg and put it over his shoulder too (honestly though, I prefer the one-leg version).

Also worth noting, the head rush that this position creates totally intensifies the orgasm for the girl. Yum.

The hard balls were flying....

Blondage Best Friend (BBF), BBF's other half, and me and The-Man-That-I-Bang went to a baseball game Friday night.

I'm standing with TMTIB, hand over heart, tears welling up during the National Anthem....and my phone starts ringing.

And I start giggling......because it is the ring tone of my previously mentioned infamously Hawwwwwwt Perverted Friend (HPF) (I go back and forth on my phone with his ringer tone between "Hell" by the Squirrel Nut Zippers and "Blasphemous Rumors" by Depeche Mode depending on his behavior. This week, he is "Hell"!)

I answer, telling him to hold on.....he hears the National Anthem on in the background, and I grin as I hear the smile in his sleepy voice.

The anthem ends, and TMTIB hops off to buy a funnel cake.

HPF proceeds to make me blush scarlet. NAUGHTY MAN!

It turns out my team is playing HPF's team! We then make a "bet" of sorts on the outcome. Oddly enough, no matter who wins, the prize is the same. Hmmmm.

TMTIB comes back with a funnel cake in one hand and a chocolate ice cream in the other (is that cute or what?), and we head for our suite.

Oh! Did I mention we were in a fancy suite? BBF and I have killer connections.

It has become a tradition that when BBF and I go out drinking, we must text our HPF.......especially when hard balls are involved. Now that I think about it, BBF, hard balls are ALWAYS involved... (even on our old S. night dates!).....weird....?

I get back to the suite, tell BBF that the HPF is taking a nap, and we decide to have a few notes waiting for him.

So. Text transcript time.....

Blondage texts: BBF says we are watching balls again. Hard ones!

Blondage texts: Bases loaded. Your boys are going DOWN!

(boys going down....BBF and Blondage snicker)

Blondage texts: Got a run! Hehehehehee

Blondage texts: Not that I really care! I just want another margarita.

Blondage texts: (pitcher name deleted)! 3 up 3 down!

BBF and Blondage realize that HPF's team is just not attractive. At all. BBF, remember the guy with the ears? And that weird facial hair pattern? And goodness....all those eyebrows.....

Blondage texts: Our team is waaaaay better looking than yours.

Blondage texts: We kinda like (name deleted). Sooooo....the only cute one used to be a (our team name deleted). Hmmmm.......

Blondage texts: We have nicknamed your boys "The Caterpillars". Never have we seen so many scary eyebrows.

Blondage texts: I want (name deleted of gorgeous boy on our team) bad

By this time, BBF and I are pretty damn tipsy. BBF and I are looking at The-Man-That-I-Bang.

Blondage texts:BBF quote - "If I wasn't married I'd do The-Man-that-Blondage-bangs. He is sooooo cute! Me - "Yes, he is, But he'd come up to your BOOBS!" (BBF is almost 6ft, TMTIB is 5'9"-ish). BBF quote - "I did a shorter guy once. It was great!". TMTIB overhears, and pipes in "I know. Women can't resist me".

I didn't text the part where I bragged on TMTIB's bedroom prowess. That would have taken way too long to type. Blondage and BBF crack up...

Blondage texts: BBF's man wanted the camera man to focus the kiss cam on me and BBF. LOL!

And like magic, a text from Hawwwwwwwt Perverted Friend appears!!!!!

HPF response: LOL You two didn't want to make out?

Blondage texts: IT WORKED!

It's awake! *high fives BBF* I knew that would get his attention! *giggling*

Blondage texts: Not without you in the middle.

HPF response: OH! Damn! Um....OK!!!!!

HPF response: MmmmMMmmmmm you are being very naughty!

Blondage texts: Yes I am!

HPF response: You know I would be all over you two if I was in the middle....

Blondage and BBF giggle and drink some more.

Blondage texts: Alcohol. Cute (my baseball team name deleted). Hard balls.

Blondage texts: BBF wants to lick a bellybutton.

HPF response: Oh goodness! LOL! How about mine?

HPF response: Uh...you two are BOTH being very bad!

Blondage texts: BBF says she needs to go change her panties now.

HPF response: I know! Maybe I should come help the both of you, uh, change your panties?

Blondage texts: BBF is rubbing her boobs...

HPF response: LOL! No fair!

Blondage texts: Pretty much the norm for us ya know.

About this time, our men realize we are having entirely too much fun without them, stand me up, and push me over in to the seat between them.

Blondage pouts, looks down the row at BBF and says "BBF, I feel something has come between us".

Blondage texts: The boys split us up! LOL!

Blondage texts: Gotta pay attention to my man now. Grin.

HPF response: Ok! By the way....Baseball is NOT determined by cuteness.

Blondage texts: Oh yes it IS! It is ALL about the CUTE!

HPF response: *sigh* shaking head

BBF's other half susprises me with a text message that says "Nasty girl".

Blondage texts: "Takes one to know one".

And our team wins.

HPF, I expect to collect on our bet very very soon.

Rules for a successful threesome

Rule 1: Establish the rules
You're going to have sex with two women and all three of you have your own rules and limits, so understanding and respecting each other's comfort levels should be a top priority. Because your relationship with your woman will likely be affected by this new experience, you need to be absolutely clear on which acts she's comfortable with -- and what to avoid doing -- in advance. She may tell you that she's uncomfortable with the idea of you penetrating another woman or even pleasing another woman orally. You must respect her limits. Remember; each woman may suddenly feel jealous, so try your best not to shut either woman out. As well, you may end up feeling jealous if you're not the center of attention. Just keep in mind that the object of the game is to share sex between three people. Also keep in mind that although some people try to drink their way to bravery for a threesome, drunken sex usually turns out badly. If you want to have a cocktail or two to loosen up, that's fine, but no more. You want to be at peak performance.

Rule 2: Be as giving as you can
Although you may be hoping that the two women will give you 100% of their attention, realistically, they're there to please each other as well, so you may end up feeling ignored. The best way to approach this situation is to forget your feelings for a moment and try to be as generous with your hands and mouth as you can. Pleasure in one-on-one sex goes back and forth, but in a threesome it's more of a cycle that moves from person to person. So be patient; focus on turning both women on and the attention will come back to you. Whatever pleasure you get in a threesome is a treat, so instead of expecting anything in particular (like getting oral sex from both women at once), enjoy everything that comes your way. Keep your hands moving and make sure you know when to penetrate...

Rule 3: Keep yourself busy
When you find that both women are busy pleasuring each other and you have nothing to do, keep yourself busy. Take matters into your own hands and find something to do. Caress the breasts, thighs or vagina(s) of one or both women, kiss their backs or necks, or give oral sex to one if she's in a position that allows you to (believe me, this will redirect attention toward you in a hurry). If you decide instead just to pleasure yourself for a little while, don't feel bad; the action will come back to you soon enough.

Rule 4: Be careful with penetration
Penetration is what novelist Tom Robbins calls "that old show-stopper." It automatically forms a serious bond between you and one woman, leaving the other out. For this reason, use penetrative sex only when you're sure both women are comfortable with it. Your natural inclination will be to pay close attention to the woman you're having sex with, but you mustn't focus on her entirely. This is about the three of you, so keep that ideal close at hand. Kiss and touch the other woman, look her in the eye, and talk to her if the mood is appropriate. Be aware that you may feel overwhelmed with pleasure if you're thrusting into one woman and kissing and caressing another, meaning that you might climax more quickly than expected. Take it slowly and pace yourself. And don't get so excited that you lose track of the women: all three of you should be sexually satisfied and even if you achieve climax first, you must do everything you can to bring your two partners to orgasm.

Rule 5: Be safe
Condoms are a necessity, obviously. Semen, vaginal fluid and menstrual blood transmit STDs, so use one specific hand to pleasure one specific woman and use the other hand on the other woman -- and keep it that way. You must never alternate.Likewise, if you're having intercourse with both women, you must also use a separate condom with each partner. As well, dental dams are a good precaution for oral sex. Lubricate the side that you place against a woman's skin for better sensation.

Groooooooooooovy!

Hat tip: www.askmen.com