Do my nipples WHAT?!?!?!?!

Husband: I have a question for you.

Blondage: *braces herself*

Husband: Do your.....nipples itch?

Blondage: *coughs and sputters* WHAT?!?!??!?!??!??!

Husband: Do your nipples itch? Or maybe....tingle?

Blondage: Dare I ask why you want to know?

Husband: It's a common side effect after IUI.

Blondage: Uhhhmmmm....no. Just having the pain stuff so far. Where the heck did you get THAT from?

Husband: The message boards. I did a search and found all these IUI message boards. I've been learning a lot.

Blondage: Uhmmmm.... Ooooookay.

Husband: They kind of annoy me though.

Blondage: The message boards? Why?

Husband: Because almost every single girl on there calls their husband a Dick Head.

Blondage: WHAT?!?!?!?

Husband: Well, they say DH, but.....

Blondage: You mean D.H. as in "DEAR HUSBAND"?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

Husband: *jaw drops* Oh.

Blondage: You are such a dork.

...15-20 minutes pass, and I see hub closing the lap tap....

Blondage: Had enough of all that estrogen?

Husband: Well, yeah. It just isn't as fun knowing the girls are being MUSHY instead of calling their other halves Dick Heads.

Blondage: *laughs.....and laughs.......*

Aftermath

Post IUI (artificial insemination) procedure, I keep doing this......thing.

I quiet down.

I close my eyes.

I take slow deep breaths...

...and do what I can only think to call a "systems check".

Do I feel any different? Is anything strange? Do I have any pregnancy symptoms?

It's hard to say for sure at this point.

My doctor told me to expect to feel bloated regardless of whether the procedure worked or not.

I definitely have a tummy ache, and I do feel kinda bloated.

My boobs are pretty frikking sore, but they were sore the morning of the procedure too. Apparentely that happens when you ovulate.

I'm exhausted, but I have worked a ton of hours, so that is no surprise.

Everything is kind of explainable at this point.

Hmmmmm.

I don't "feel" pregnant. Part of me is already trying to soothe myself over the procedure not working.

But....

Then my nipples start hurting worse, and my tummy feels all weird, and I think to myself, "Well....maybe there is a tiny chance after all"....

This is going to be a loooooong couple of weeks.

Woooo!

I've been on quite a roller coaster this week, my pretty pretty Flowers.

Sunday morning, I had a doctor appointment that shocked me.

I found out I had two, perhaps three, follicles "maturing".

Tuesday morning, I had a doctor appointment that shocked me even more.

I found out I had four follicles maturing.

This morning, I had a doctor appointment that damn near had me passing out.

I found out I have nine. NINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nine nine NINE!!!!!!!!!!! Did you hear that???!?!! N-I-N-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NINE FOLLICLES! Ohhhhhhh sweet baby Jesus. NINE!!!!!!!!!

I took my "trigger shot" today. I am DONE with this round of needles, thank god. Saturday morning is our big "Procedure". We'll know in August if it works.

You guys know I call my husband "Sweetpea", right? And that most of my friends call him "Sweetpea" (or "The Pea") too....? Well guess what they are calling my follicles....?

BABY PEAS!

*giggling*

That's so cute it makes me ache.

Hmmmmm.....or perhaps that ache is just my Baby Peas dancing around, getting ready to hatch!

Thanks for all of your well wishes, thoughts and prayers.

Wish us luck! Heeeeere we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New look, shots suck, a couple obsessions

You may have notices things look a little different around here. :)

Wellll....my blog designer's company no longer has a working website, and my pictures were no longer supported on her photobucket account. I got tired of looking at garbage on my screen, dumped the old template, and started playing with this one.

The most gorgeous man in England created this banner for me about a year ago when I was having the place redesigned. His design was the inspiration for the last version of my blog. I fell in love with it, and am thrilled to have permission to use it. Thank you E.A. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

* * * * * *

It's official. The shots are not going well.

First, comes my panic attack.

Followed by a second of relief after the needle goes in, fairly painlessly.

And then......OHHHHMYGAWWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDDD!

It STINGS and BURNS when he pushes in the plunger thingie!

I think we are doing something wrong. I am sooooo calling my doctor tomorrow.

AND, get this.

Every possible bad reaction? Oh yeah. You guessed it. Even down to the flu-like symptoms.

ACHOO.

* * * * * *

I have two new obsessions:

1. Generation Kill, a mini-series on HBO, based on one of my favorite books

2. Secret Diary of a call girl, a series on Showtime, based on one of my favorite blogs.

Opposite ends of the spectrum, yes......but both call to me.

:)

* * * * * *

Vicodin kicking in. Ahhhhh bliss. I must go pass out now.

And yes, I can have vicodan, for approximately two more days.

Beyond that? Alas, no.

G'night Flowers......

*drowsy kiss*

A little blue fishy on my ass....

I spent the entire day yesterday working myself in to a major frenzy of "The First Fertility Shot".

I scrubbed bathrooms that were not dirty.

I reorganized a closet that was already perfectly orderly.

I took two bubble baths.

I tried and tried to work off some of that nervous energy, but I just could NOT calm down.

You have to understand, I have a MAJOR fear of needles. It probably stems from childhood. I had to have stitches in my forehead, and I was strapped to a "papoose" board. I also get anxiety attacks if I feel "trapped" (under covers especially)....

But that is enough self-analysis for now...

So...

6:30PM. It was time for The Shot.

And I started shaking.

And shaking.

And crying.

And I totally freaked the fuck out.

My poor sweet husband was trying to hard to do his part, and I was NO help whatsoever.

He finally stuck me.

I felt him move the needle around (he has to pull back the plunger to make sure he doesn't hit a vein) and I about passed out.

He did it though.

DESPITE my state of hysteria.

I cried when it was coming, but I cried even harder when it was over. Relief I suppose.

You know what he did?

He bought me a wee surprise, hoping to coax a smile out of me.

We both love the movie "Finding Nemo". He has teased me about being "Dory the Delay Fish" ("you're the kind of fish that causes delays") for years.

My shot spot has a tiny little Dory bandaid on it.

It worked. I smiled.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.....just keep swimming swimming swimming....

Updates....

It should be obvious that I have once again lost my blogging mojo. Just can't get inspired these days. bah.

I'm fine. Feeling much better. Thank you for all your comments, emails and phone calls. I heart my pretty pretty Flowers.

Haven't had sex in fo-evah, which is a total drag, but other than that, I'm ok.

We start the fertility shots soon. We have "nursing school" on Monday, where the hub learns how to give them to me. I am already cringing.

But....it might work. :)

Thanks again to everyone who keeps praying for us and wishing us well.

xoxoxo

But one of many reasons why I love her....

I can't even begin to tell you Flowers how blessed I am to have the Cougar in my life. She's such an extraordinary person. I am struggling to find the right words to explain. I think you just have to be lucky enough to meet her to understand.

I've had health problems the last 15-16 days. I'm getting better, but it's been rough.

The climax was last Sunday, when I wound up in the hospital. AGAIN. Ugh.

Well....

Cougar wound up taking me, and I have to say, if you ever have to go to the E.R., I hope you are lucky enough to have your own Cougar with you.

I think that was probably the sickest I have been in my whole life, and yet, she had me laughing so hard I thought I was gonna pop out my I.V. needle.

She kept me and my husband completely entertained, and distracted us both from the scary things that were happening.

I am going to share something with you that she wrote about that night.

Emergency Room Fun!


At some point most of us have escorted someone near and dear to us to the hospital emergency room. I'm an old pro at this – visiting for broken bones, heart ailments, mystery fevers etc. Anyone who has been to the emergency room knows this is not a fun place to be, and knows that entertaining themselves is key to survival. I have a list of games you might be interested in playing during your next visit! Let me know if you have any other fun games to play! Remember, this is the perfect opportunity to "entertain" your friend/family member. Nothing beats a captive audience!

The one legged race – Drive swiftly to the front doors of the hospital to drop the patient off before you park. Once the patient's leg is out the door, foot firmly on the ground, scream "PUT YOUR LEG BACK IN THE CAR! There's a door closer to the ER registry!" See how quickly the patient can re-enter the car. Points based on speed.

Tower of Terror (my personal favorite) – Wait until the patient is completely helpless, hooked to IV's and other equipment. Offer to get some warm blankets to make them more comfortable. IV fluids make you cold – can't have those lips quivering. Gently cover the patient, avoiding all points of entry (leads and needles) For added fun, cover the patient's entire head. OK, just for a second. Once the patient is comfortable, form a tubular tower resembling a penis at the patient's crotch area. The bigger the erection, the more points are awarded. Extra points for making the patient scream in horror.

Guess that function Emergency rooms are filled with many wondrous things. For example, there are many lights , and who knows what each one is for? All shapes and sizes! Tall, small, round, tubular, square…the list goes on and on. Points awarded for each correct guess. Please try not to blind yourself in the process of guessing. Points deducted for sniffing hands after handling the "snake light." Pea, I'm talking to you.

Name that ailment – a memory game Whenever the nurse or doctor asks you to leave the room, roam the halls looking lost. Use this opportunity to check out the other patients. What are they doing? What are they wearing? Are they screaming? Bleeding? Cursing? Remember as much as you can about each patient, and report back to the room. See if you and your patient can guess why the others are in the ER. This game is great for passing the time.

Mystery Guest – toying with the nurses In today's society, one must be very careful to not assume anything about anyone. This is especially true for nurses, who must be extra sensitive given the situation their "guests" are in when they first meet them. If you are with a friend and their spouse, it is very fun to see who the nurse thinks is the SO, and who is the BF. For example, I was my friend's lesbian wife and my friend's husband was her "sissy" best friend. LMAO. People watching is all sorts of fun. Look closely at their eyes when they realize they've misjudged a situation….

Stamina builders A sure way to tighten those abs! When the patient is being examined, or is being informed of something gross, make faces at the patient's spouse, then try to keep from laughing. Hold your breath and contract the muscles in your belly. This is a sure way to keep the laughter in, and get a work out at the same time!

I know, I know, this is not the most PC way to act in a hospital, but it sure does make the time go by quickly, and keeps your patient laughing. Laughter IS the best medicine, ya know!

Yes, all that happened, and YES, the nurse really thought Cougar was my lesbian partner, and hub was my "sissy" (the nurse's word) best friend. Good gawd, if you could have seen his face...


We were so scared, hub and I. That room could have turned morose and depressing, but the presence of The Coug kept us smiling and laughing, despite what was happening.


I love her so much it makes my heart hurt. She really is the sister I always wished I had.

Should I demand a recount?

Got some less than desireable test results today.

My bloodwork showed that I did not ovulate. Hell, I barely even registered on the damn test. My progesterone level should have been around 15.0. It was 0.05.

Shit.

It's been ten months since we started this latest round of the fertility clinic tango.

I'm.....trying to hang tough, but....

Damn.

I'm tired.

Oh how he makes me laugh...

We were supposed to start trying to knock me up two nights ago. Our work schedules interfered, and we were not able to have wild monkey luv until last night.

Because of all the work hours I have put in lately, I am pretty punch drunk. When I get punch drunk, I catch the giggles. Usually they come out at the most innapropriate times, like say, last night, when hub was kissing my neck and had his fingers inside me. Errrr.....oopsie. :)

He was mildly annoyed, but managed to focus me back on him with some hard bites on my neck.

Speaking of which.....I should probably look in the mirror to make sure he didn't leave any evidence of our rough playing. LOL!

Thanks to him taking the reigns firmly in hand, we went from battling my giggle fit to extremely hot, extremely intense sex. Ahhhhh....bliss....

Afterwards, we were both laying there exhausted, and he got me laughing again so hard I couldn't stop.

Me: Mmmmmmm.

Him: Mmmmmmmm.

Me: I can't move.

Him: *stretches and rolls over* I put my deposit in the bank. I'm outta here. *fake snore*

Me: *bursts in to laughter*

30 or so seconds pass.....

Me: OMG! I can feel my laughing push your 'deposit' out of the 'bank'.

Him: That was me making a withdrawel.

I think I laughed for at least 30 minutes straight until he finally went grouchy on me.

Something tells me we did NOT make a baby last night.

:)

Tom Cruise! Use your witchcraft to put the invisible fire out in my pants!

I am in the middle of my first wave of fertility treatments since that little pain incident sent me to the hospital back in February. I was scared I'd be in that same hideous pain this time, but really, I am just INSANELY HORNY.

Oh. Mah. God.

I naturally have a high libido, but right now??? HOLY SHIT! I need it so bad my body shakes! Sex sex sex sex sex. All I think about it sex. Sex sex SEX!!!! SEEEEEEEEX! *whimper*

(Ok, so I DO tend to be like that under normal circumstances....but it's WORSE right now!!!!)

While we're on the fertility subject, I have a few pics I have been meaning to share.


Yes, my pretty pretty Flowers, that is my foot in a stirrup at my fertility doc's office. And yes, I was nekkid under that paper sheet thing. Oy.

Damn, that's some ugly ass tile on that floor, isn't it?



And THAT, my dearies, is a torture device used for "internal ultrasounds". See the gadget sticking out of the keyboard machine thingy that resembles an electric toothbrush??? That scary thing is used to poke around inside and look at your ovaries, uterus, etc.

And yes, it HURTS, because it gets twisted all around. Just....ugh.

Ahhhhh.....the joys of the fertility clinic tango.

But.....if it works......I will be a verrrrrry happy Blondage.....

xoxoxo

Girl talk...

I was talking to my best friend at lunch today about how Muscles calls me all the time to check up on me, see how I am feeling or whatever, but my husband never does. Heck, I've started referring to Muscles as my WIFE. I'm not kidding!

Feeling as puny and pitiful as I have on the meds....and on top of that, feeling neglected at home......well....uhm.....yeah, I'm sure you can use your imagination how I feel about that.

Me: I don't need him to crawl up my ass everyday, but....

Cougar: Definitely not.

Me: *dramatic pause* Just the tip. I just need the tip. *wink*

Heh. I love making her laugh.

;)

...lost my damn mind, but not my sense of humor...

PS
There's a sex related post next one down, for you masturbating lurkers.

Sometimes....when I am angry and out of control....

A good Whupin' can right all the world's wrongs....

I was soooooo angry today. Mad at almost everyone in my life. God knows why. Some frustrations were legitimate I suppose (quit trying to meet me, and quit falling in love with me you ninnies!)and some more on the irrational side (didn't like the way someone said goodbye, and I totally wigged).

It's weird, being on this fertility medicine. Some days, I feel completely balanced.... And then.... BAM! I wake up wanting to scream at various people in my life, or in some cases, bitchslap the fools. It's like a filter is missing....the patience filter perhaps. I dunno what it is.

But.....

I feel the slap of his hand on my bare skin.....

And I calm down.

No matter how out of control I feel, no matter how insane my drugs make me feel....

That sting....the stern voice, the firm hand....he centers me.

And I can cope.

That being said...I am warnin' ya, my pretty little Flowers.... Watch your asses, because in between spankings? I am hell on heels right now.

I don't expect any eggshell walking, but SHEESH!

Scene: Blondage's Aunt's house on New Year's day

A large, happy family gathers around a beautifully set dining room table. The chatter turns to Blondage's precious one month old niece.

Blondage's Mother: We haven't seen the baby in almost a week. I am going through withdrawels.

Blondage: You're lucky. I haven't seen her in TWO weeks because of my trip up North to visit the In-laws.

Blondage's Mother: She's with her OTHER *said with a pouty frown* Grandparents today.

Blondage: *smiling* Well Mom, they have a right to see her too.

Blondage's Mother: *turns red in the face, and totally goes off* Well those people have lots of other Grandkids, and they are in their late 40's. I have ONE Grandchild, JUST ONE, and I am in my mid-60's! ALL of my friends had Grandchildren but ME! It took FOREVER for it to happen for me. I was beginning to think I'd NEVER be a Grandmother!

Blondage's Mother, henceforth known here as B.M., is, at first, oblivious to the silence that falls upon the table. Suddenly, she lets out a tiny gasp as realization dawns. She blinks at Blondage, and swiftly changes the subject to the frikking weather.

Seriously. The weather.

I don't expect people to walk on eggshells around me about my "issues", but sheesh. Mom could have punched me in the gut and it would have stung less. We've been trying for NINE YEARS to make that woman a Grandmother. I am on a ridiculous amount of drugs right now. I HAD SEX IN MY MOTHER IN LAW'S CREEPY HAUNTED HOUSE to try and make a baby. And she whines about being the last of her peers to have a grandchild, about how long it took for it to happen....?

Sweet hay-sus (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose), please don't ever allow me to be so self-absorbed that I become oblivious to feelings of the people I love.

/end rant

Update...

No ghosts so far. Is it weird that I am kinda disappointed?

We managed to sneak in five minutes of sex one time. Other than that, we haven't been alone, and the walls are too frikking thin to do it at night. Seriously. This is a 150 year old house. THIN THIN THIN! So I don't think Sweetpea is gonna knock me up this month. Ya never know, but I don't have "that feeling".

I got a spanking in front of the in-laws. *giggling* Can't wait to write about that when I get back.

My gay brother in law introduced his boyfriend to the famly (his Mom, Stepdad, me and Sweetpea) for the first time. He only came out to Mom a month ago. This was a HUGE deal. Thank god I was there to talk to the poor guy, because the others all kinda clammed up! So I chattered on like a magpie. By the end of dinner, my throat was killing me!

OH! And my BITCHY BROTHER IN LAW CALLED ME A HICK!!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowl!

He's just jealous because I got diamonds for Christmas and he didn't!

I've been able to read your comments via my email, but I am too scared to comment back yet because I don't want the naughty blog's url to show up in the in-laws history. I promise I'll reply when I get back home next week. I heart you, my pretty pretty Flowers.

I hope you all had a great Christmas. Happy New Year!

xoxoxoxoxo

Wheeeee!

A while back, I mentioned I am on lots and lots of fertility meds, right?

Sooooo......

Tomorrow, we leave for my Yankee in-laws' house...

And next week.....is the week, per the calendar, we are supposed to try to get me knocked up.

*cringe*

How am I supposed to have SEX in my IN-LAWS' HOUSE in the guest room with NO DOOR and a damn GHOST watching me?!?!?!?

Not cool. Soooo not cool.

...how I love to hate you....

....sending shivers, make me quiver, feel it sliver, up and down my spine....

Mmmmmmmmmm......loves it.

Who..... or what..... am I thinking about as I belt out "I love to hate you I love to hate you I love to hate you I love to hate you" over and over?

I'll give you a few to guess from.

It might be something personal....

A body that just won't work right?

A love lost?

It might be something political....

A failed presidential candidate asshat who may win the Nobel?

The general pussification of America by serial apologists?

Or maybe I am just on so many fertilty drugs I am out of my fucking mind.

*dances in chair, flips off something...or someone*

The Baby Project

Wellllll......

I asked my doctor point blank if we had a chance....

....and she said yes.

We have a bunch of obstacles. Three of them, to be exact.

But.....with the help of tons and tons of medicine (ugh), there's a chance....

So.....

We're going for it.

Thanks for all the emails and prayers. We both really, really appreciate the support.

xoxoxoxo

D-Day

My husband will be at my office in about half an hour to take me to the doctor. We're getting my test results today. Within about an hour, I should know if this doctor can help us get pregnant or not.

I thought I'd be scared, but I am pretty even at the moment. I was definitely scared last night. Couldn't sleep. Ugh. Maybe that is part of the reason why I am so calm right now. I am just too tired to freak out? I dunno.

Flowers, I'd be most grateful if you would please say a wee prayer for us.

xoxoxoxo