"Giving up the ghost"

Sort of out of the blue, I sent "The Blog Ghost" a chatty email, filling him in on my pregnancy and the last five months of my life. It was strangely cathartic, despite the fact that he did not respond. Honestly, I'll never understand that whole situation, but I've made peace with it.

Today is a good day Flowers.

:)

....and so it begins....

Yesterday we had our 3-d/4-d ultrasound.

Oh Flowers......we are so in love with our little boys. We finally got to see little faces, and holy cow, do they look like their Daddy! I'm almost to 28 weeks. Full term is considered 40, but there is no way I am going to last that long. If I can make it another 6 or so, I will be thrilled. They currently weigh 2 pounds 7 ounces, and are over 14 inches long.

They are currently side-by-side. Baby A is on my left. His head is just under my ribs. Baby B is on my right. His feet are up under my ribs (which explains a lot! lol...). They were on their sides, facing each other, and get THIS. Baby B was KICKING BABY A IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!

Here is Baby A's face in profile. His hand is up on his face, and I think he kinda looks as if he is flipping the bird at the camera. Ahem. Baby B's leg is on the left, upside down. B's foot is on the way to kicking A in the face. Oy.... :)

Oh yeah. We're in trouble. Lol.....

"The Why"

I'm strong about some things. Very strong, in fact.

I am almost to the end of an incredibly amazing (and occasionally crushing) ten year journey for children. I am going to make it out alive, mostly in one piece, and will soon be holding not one but two tiny little miracles.

I can handle amounts of physical pain that would crush an average person.

I suppose the same may be true in regards to mental anguish and trauma.

I can handle just about anything as long as I can wrap my mind around "The Why".

...my body hurts because of thing A...
...my fever is caused by thing B...
...this horrible thing and that horrible thing are caused by thing C...
...the other pregnancies failed because I was destined to be M and L's Mother...
...I feel semi-crazy because of the drugs or the hormones, etc...

...blah blah blah, and so on....

What trips me up is when I don't have answers, either about a thing, a person, or myself.

- Why is it so easy for others, but so difficult for me, to let go?
- How could I allow this or that random person get to me like that?
- Why am I so damn sensitive?
- Why can't I hold pieces of myself back?
- What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

I obsess over the things I do not understand. Occasionally it works and I have some sort of an epiphany. The epiphanies are comforting, but tend to be rare. Mostly, I just torture myself over never knowing The Why, when I should be happily drowning in The Now.

Grrrr.

Dignity? What dignity.

I worked a 13 hour day on Wednesday, and wound up in the hospital thanks to CONTRACTIONS. Yes, CONTRACTIONS. I am only 26 weeks along, so it scared the ever living hell out of us. The babies are fine, thank God, but it has been a pretty traumatic couple of days.

I've now learned the hard way how they check to see if you are dilated. Uhm. OUCH. I think I would prefer to still be in the dark on THAT.

As I was laying there hooked up to multiple machines with my ass hanging out of a gown whilst periodically being violated by multiple strangers who must have German or Soviet ancestry (picture the "questionally" female athletes from communist countries in the 70's - would you want them anywhere near your kitty? HELL NO) I realized all of my dignity and modesty has officially flown the coop.

God I miss alcohol.