Ahhhh....youth...

I'm on Facebook all the time. Lurrrrve Facebook. I have talked a wee bit before about finding the guy who thought he took my virginity there (remember? he looks like Nosferatu.)....



Well. Uhm. Wow.



The guy I really did lose my V to in college now has a Facebook page.



Oh Flowers.



Sigh.



He is wearing a shirt that looks like a Texas flag, a crappy looking straw hat with a beer bottle on top of it, and the same semi-vacant facial expression that I remember so well.



Sigh.



Why didn't I lose it to someone COOL?!?!?

Hmmm.

As my body begins to re-awaken post pregnancy, I suddenly feel some creative juices flowing again...

I can't promise anything. I have no idea what being home with two newborns is going to be like....

But I can tell you I would very much like for this blog to be the outlet it once was for me.....

We'll see, my pretty pretty Flowers.

xoxoxo

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

....turn.....and face the strange....

I gave notice at work today.

I'm the weirdest mix of happy (to be able to stay home with the boys) and sad (because I love my job).

I could realllllllly use a margarita or four right now...

Back to the grind....

After three months, I am finally back at work.

Uhmmmm.....

Eeew.

Sex after twins....

I assume I will get the thumbs up from my doc after my six week appointment...

And I do miss sex...

But....

When the heck are we gonna find time for it???

The twins eat every three hours, and thanks to some digestive issues with them, each feeding lasts an hour to an hour and a half.

When they aren't eating, I am usually doing yet another load of laundry (how do two such tiny humans create so much laundry?!?!), washing bottles, sterilizing bottles, occasionally trying to eat and/or sleep, etc.

I LOVE sex. Anyone who has read my blog a while knows that. Now that my body is almost back to normal, I can feel the cravings for it again... Ugh. Do I ever....

But....

WHEN?

*pained sigh*

I worry that we will become one of "those couples" who allow kids, work, stress, etc to get in the way of a healthy sex life.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo................................................

Oomph

As I take another peek at my swollen-like-Fred-Flintstone feet, I can't help but feel a little dizzy.

My twins are almost three weeks old, but today was supposed to be their birthday. :)

If any of you ladies have ever had a c-section (or like me, the double whammy of a c-section with multiples) you know how hard it is to recover from this kind of surgery.

I was clueless.

Frikking clueless.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

I think if I had ANY idea how hard my pregnancy and delivery would be I might have chickened out.

Holy crap. Just.....HOLY CRAP.

Don't get me wrong, I would not trade my boys for anything. They fill me full of joy that I have never known, and I am truly blessed that it was my destiny to be their Mommy.

But crikey Flowers. They nearly killed me.

The last month of my pregnancy was awful. In and out of "labor and delivery", never sleeping more than twenty minutes at a time because I could not breathe, barely being able to get around, going on bed rest from work and losing my Independence...

That's the cliff-notes version, but just trust me when I say it was BAD.

I kept telling my doctor I was not going to make it to 38 weeks (Jul 28th). There was just no frikking way. He was insistant....but look who was right! :)

I developed a condition that put me in the hospital, and a couple days later my doc had to take the boys. I was the weirdest combination of relieved and frikking TERRIFIED. Along with not understanding how difficult a twins pregnancy would be, I did not exactly understand the whole c-section process.

UGH.

Hated it. Hated it. HATED IT.

HATED.

IT.

The anesthesiologist MISSED on my epidural. My husband could hear me screaming in pain through the O.R. door. It was unreal.

They finally got me in the right spot and allowed my husband in the O.R. He walked in just in time to see them slicing me open (I found this out later of course). He saw my guts.

Let's stop and think about that for a second.

Ewwww.

I was pretty panicky the whole surgery, but never said anything. I would like to believe it was because I was strong or something, but it was probably the morphine. ;) I vaguely remember the boys being brought over to me, and someone took our picture. Then we went off to recovery. I have no idea how long we were there. I have vague memories of my parents, my aunt and Cougar coming in the hospital room to meet the boys.

I did ok that night. The next day, we had a thousand visitors, and I TOTALLY screwed up. I was feeling pretty good thanks to meds, and I didn't pay attention to my pain meds. I got off schedule, and that night, BAM! Got hit like a ton of bricks. That was absolutely positively the most painful, awful night of my life. I spent the next three days in the hospital in hideous pain most of the time. I still don't understand why they didn't give me something stronger.

I'm skipping over a ton of stuff here, but it is almost feeding time.

Quick wrap up -- on the way home from the hospital, I swelled up like the Micheline (sp) Man, which my doc refused to give me meds for, which is surprisingly miserable by the way, then ran out of pain meds in a couple days and my doc refused to renew my prescription.

I HATE MY DOCTOR.

Obviously, he is a MAN.

Growl. Hiss.

After my six week appointment I am dumping that man, my doc of nine years, like a hot potato.

Buh-bye!

I skipped over a ton of stuff that, like I said, I just don't have time to type out. I'll just say it was all hideous, but the boys are a joy. I'm still a little scared of them to be honest, but I love them desperately. They are beautiful, sweet, and so precious they make my heart pound.

Annnnnd......I hear the starting of the "Hunger Call" (the cutest cacophony of little squeaks, soon to be followed by a ROOOOOAAAAR if I am not fast enough), so it is time to publish this thing!

I heart you, my pretty pretty Flowers....

guess what?

If you're one of my facebook friends, you already know this......

*grinning*

As of Friday July 10 at 10:00am and 10:01am, I am the Mommy of beautiful, perfect twin boys!

Sooooooo.....

We won't know for sure until tomorrow morning, but it looks like July 10th is going to be the twins' birthday! I'm blogging from the hospital, and will fill you guys in more when I can. If Doc doesn't take them tomorrow, it is just a matter of days! Wheeee! Wish us luck!

Sleep is over-rated. :)

It's late.....or early, depending on your perspective I suppose.

Hub has moved a chair and table for my lap top in to our bedroom for me. He's out cold, and I am sitting near the TV, half watching a movie while I surf around the net. Have you guys ever seen "Frailty"? It's the only Matthew McConoughey (sp?) movie that I like. If you haven't seen it, you should! I love the twist....

I don't sleep much these days. My doctor jokingly says it is God's way of getting me ready to be up all night feeding two babies. Technically, the insomnia is due to a combination of extreme surges of estrogen that apparently make me wired like I've had six cups of coffee, and being just plain uncomfortable. And then there's the twins.... Kick kick kick squirm kick thrash BAM kick kick BAM mosh punch kick kick BAM! It's pretty impossible to sleep through two little boys using one's ribs as a xylephone. I realize that sounds like a complaint, but it's not really. I feel sorry for you men. You will never get to feel what it is like to have a child or two bouncing around inside you. Even when my little rascals wake me up, it makes me giggle.

Soooo.....it stinks being tired and all, but I kind of like my new routine.

I'm alone Monday through Friday during the day unless I have my weekly Dr visit. When my husband gets home, I am so happy to see him. We have dinner, we talk, we hang out, we watch a movie or some TV. It's really fun. When we go to bed, as soon as I lay down, the boys start thrashing. Hub snuggles up to me and puts his hand on my tummy. We stay there for a while, just enjoying feeling the boys squirm and punch and kick, and then hub drifts off to sleep.

This is the point in my night when things get realllly interesting.

I never knew this before my insomnia attacks. I suppose I used to just sleep through it. Ya know what???

Hub talks in his sleep.

A lot.

Like, every night, as far as I can tell.

Weird!

The first couple times I answered. I assumed he was talking to me. He never replied in a way that made sense. I'd wait a while, and then I'd hear a snore. I can understand him about half the time. Last night I had fallen asleep, and I woke to this loud, obnoxious crinkling sound. I asked hub what the heck he was doing. He said he was sleeping. I asked him if he was eating smartees (he has some on his nightstand) and to please put the candy down, but he continued to eat it. Finally he sort of woke up and stopped. This morning he looked at me funny and asked if he dreamed that he woke me up by eating candy. NOPE! LOL.....

I keep an eye on him at night now. Maybe he is one of those people who go raid the fridge in their sleep in the middle of the night? Who knows. :)

Six weeks to go.....

I am still on bed rest, and could go in to early labor at any time really, but we are scheduled for a c-section on July 28th.

That's crazy, is it not? Six weeks max.....

There's an illustration here that shows what my boys look like at this point. I'm at 32 weeks, and my doc is determined to get me to 38.

The boys are a little over four pounds each, and kicking the daylights out of me. My favorite thing is when "Baby A" head-butts me. I can literally feel his round little head rubbing against my belly. Of course, the husband likes to say I am feeling Baby A's butt rubbing on me and not his head, but I know from the ultra-sound that hub is wrong. lol...

I look ridiculous these days. I'm officially up twenty pounds from my "procedure date" last November, but I lost twenty pounds in the first tri-mester. I consider myself up by forty pounds, but my doc still says twenty pounds. Whichever amount it is, it is alllllll belly, and boy is that getting hard to carry around. I miss being able to just BREATHE...and don't get me started on the joys of insomnia.... Ugh....

But.....I'm happy.

Hub and I talked in bed last night for a loooooong time about the sense of "awe" we are feeling as we get closer and closer to meeting our babies. Our tenth wedding anniversary is this September, and we were pretty close to just giving up. We've had a happy life together, and I know we would have continued to have a happy life together without biological children. We love each other very much. This journey of ours......all the ups and downs and misfires along the way..... I swear it has made the end result so much sweeter that we are just beside ourselves with joy.

I love my little babies so much already I feel like I am going to just explode.

(...and if you could see my belly, you'd probably think I meant that literally....lol)

Baby Peas....

LL sent this to me.....soooooooo TRUE!

Things I love about pregnancy:

...feeling the boys move...
...the idea of "creating life"...
...knowing that it won't be long before I am holding them and kissing their faces...
...my boys will most likely be Leos like my Dad, which makes me very happy...

Things I do NOT love about pregnancy:

...the waddling...
...the constant back and hip pain...
...the terror that something will go wrong...
...the insomnia...
...the hot and cold flashes...
...BED REST, which I have been on for almost a week now...
...barely being able to breathe...
...the general loss of focus...
...not being able pick anything up off the floor...
...sex = impossible...

Still....

The good out-weighs the bad.

:)

"Giving up the ghost"

Sort of out of the blue, I sent "The Blog Ghost" a chatty email, filling him in on my pregnancy and the last five months of my life. It was strangely cathartic, despite the fact that he did not respond. Honestly, I'll never understand that whole situation, but I've made peace with it.

Today is a good day Flowers.

:)

....and so it begins....

Yesterday we had our 3-d/4-d ultrasound.

Oh Flowers......we are so in love with our little boys. We finally got to see little faces, and holy cow, do they look like their Daddy! I'm almost to 28 weeks. Full term is considered 40, but there is no way I am going to last that long. If I can make it another 6 or so, I will be thrilled. They currently weigh 2 pounds 7 ounces, and are over 14 inches long.

They are currently side-by-side. Baby A is on my left. His head is just under my ribs. Baby B is on my right. His feet are up under my ribs (which explains a lot! lol...). They were on their sides, facing each other, and get THIS. Baby B was KICKING BABY A IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!

Here is Baby A's face in profile. His hand is up on his face, and I think he kinda looks as if he is flipping the bird at the camera. Ahem. Baby B's leg is on the left, upside down. B's foot is on the way to kicking A in the face. Oy.... :)

Oh yeah. We're in trouble. Lol.....

"The Why"

I'm strong about some things. Very strong, in fact.

I am almost to the end of an incredibly amazing (and occasionally crushing) ten year journey for children. I am going to make it out alive, mostly in one piece, and will soon be holding not one but two tiny little miracles.

I can handle amounts of physical pain that would crush an average person.

I suppose the same may be true in regards to mental anguish and trauma.

I can handle just about anything as long as I can wrap my mind around "The Why".

...my body hurts because of thing A...
...my fever is caused by thing B...
...this horrible thing and that horrible thing are caused by thing C...
...the other pregnancies failed because I was destined to be M and L's Mother...
...I feel semi-crazy because of the drugs or the hormones, etc...

...blah blah blah, and so on....

What trips me up is when I don't have answers, either about a thing, a person, or myself.

- Why is it so easy for others, but so difficult for me, to let go?
- How could I allow this or that random person get to me like that?
- Why am I so damn sensitive?
- Why can't I hold pieces of myself back?
- What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

I obsess over the things I do not understand. Occasionally it works and I have some sort of an epiphany. The epiphanies are comforting, but tend to be rare. Mostly, I just torture myself over never knowing The Why, when I should be happily drowning in The Now.

Grrrr.

Dignity? What dignity.

I worked a 13 hour day on Wednesday, and wound up in the hospital thanks to CONTRACTIONS. Yes, CONTRACTIONS. I am only 26 weeks along, so it scared the ever living hell out of us. The babies are fine, thank God, but it has been a pretty traumatic couple of days.

I've now learned the hard way how they check to see if you are dilated. Uhm. OUCH. I think I would prefer to still be in the dark on THAT.

As I was laying there hooked up to multiple machines with my ass hanging out of a gown whilst periodically being violated by multiple strangers who must have German or Soviet ancestry (picture the "questionally" female athletes from communist countries in the 70's - would you want them anywhere near your kitty? HELL NO) I realized all of my dignity and modesty has officially flown the coop.

God I miss alcohol.

I know, I know, I'm bad bad blogger. :)

I think of things to blog about all the time. They just never seem to make it out of my head and on to the screen. Sorry about that Flowers.

A quick update....

The babies move all the time now. One of them stays in the same place, the lower left of my abdomen. He likes to kick a lot. The other baby is my spaz. He moves from my upper left to my upper right a lot. I guess he likes changes of scenery(?). LOL

We have painted their room. We bought their cribs, and those are built and in place. We had to special order our changing table, wardrobe and glider. Those should be here within the next week or so.

I had my first baby shower yesterday, and I feel ridiculouly spoiled. I pretty much cried for four solid hours. The boys received lots of amazing gifts. I have one more shower to go, in mid May.

We are hoping I can hold off on pre-term labor until the first week of July. That is when I hit 34 weeks, and their little lungs and organs will be fully developed. After they hit 34 weeks, they mostly just fatten up in there apparently. :)

I'm feeling ok I guess. I have good days and bad days. I am tired most of the time, but I do tend to have a smile on my face.

Miss you guys.

xoxo

Guess what?

We're having two boys!

I just have to say....

...my first Dom is soooo freaking cool.

Ok, so....

I'm not feeling quite as blah as I was last week. Thank you Flowers (in particular, my "special" ones.....you know who you are).

I've been on jury duty this week. Have any of you ever served? My case was difficult, but I was very glad to have been chosen for it. Our defendant was a teacher who CHOKED a student (choked as in wrapped his hands around the child's throat and applied brutal sounding pressure). We convicted him of assault. I was afraid I would feel guilty for affecting a man's life permanently like that, but seeing the pictures of what he did to that poor kid wiped my conscience clean. The kid is doing fine, by the way.

On a much lighter note....

I have received several inquiries about when I plan to write about my "accidental orgasm". I posed this question to someone today, and I think I will pose it to you Flowers as well. Would you rather hear about an accidental one, or a recent one that was on PURPOSE?

*evil grin*

Let me know.

Hi.

I'm still here, lurking quietly in the dark corners of my fantasy dungeon…

Hmmmm. Maybe lurking is the wrong word. "Moping" might be a better description.

*sigh*

I had an uncomfortable sort of "break up" with one of my two best friends that I originally started this blog for all the way back in 2005. "The end" was probably coming for quite a while I suppose, but it was still very difficult for me, and honestly, I'm still not fully over it. Post break-up, I managed to keep the blogging going for a while thanks to a new source of inspiration, but this place still feels kind of "haunted" for me.

And then there's the "joys" of pregnancy...

*whimper*

Ohhhhhhh sweet baby Jesus. Being pregnant with twins is far more difficult than I ever imagined in a million years. I've been so sick for the last four months that even if I wasn't having a little "blog ghost" issue, I probably would have gone quiet for a while anyways. I'll write more about the "joys" of pregnancy (still waiting for that "joy" thing to start. ahem.) soon.

I promise I don't plan to quit blogging. I've just been feeling......blah.

I heart gags....

I've never had one quite like this before. *purrrr*

Ohhhhhh the humanity.

I'm on ORGASM BAN.

Yes, you read that correctly.

ORGASM BAN.

It may last until I am out of my first trimester, so four more weeks to go....

God help me. I am not gonna make it!!!!

*sob*

ok, I can't stand it anymore....

I've been keeping a secret from you Flowers...

It's the reason behind why I haven't been blogging very much...

It's very difficult to write when you're sick, and boy have I ever been sick lately...

But it's not from something bad.

It's from a little miracle. Two of them, in fact.

I've known for quite a while now that I am pregnant.

That is secret number one I have been keeping from you.

Last week during an ultrasound, we got the surprise of our lives.

There is a second baby! That little rascal was playing hide and seek behind the one we knew about already. Even my doctor was floored.

Aren't they cute little blobs?



So, there. I am out of the closet. I kept it all a secret a heck of a lot longer than I expected I'd be able to, but enough already.

*grin*

I can barely hold down a damn cracker, but I have never been happier and more filled with joy in my life.

Still alive... :)

Sorry about the extended absence, my pretty pretty Flowers. I've been kind of consumed with real-life things of late.

I'm totally adopting a koala.

This must have been a hell of a kiss.

Do you guys know who Stephen Lynch is? Watch and giggle.....

This next one is sooooo my fear......LOL.......

Eventually, everything winds up in my mouth...

New leash and collar....

*soft purrrrr*

So I dated a vampire.

Hmmm.

Remember the post I wrote about losing my virginity a second time?

Well.....

There I was, happily minding my own business on Facebook.......

And.....

BAM!

A friend request from Virginity Loss Part Deux shows up.

I saw his picture, and gasped.

Flowers...

Oh Flowers...

This photo is not so far off:



*gulp*

He was always in to "goth", but holy merde. He has turned himself in to the frikking Vampire from Nosferatu.

Somebody hold me!

Nailed....errr...I mean, tagged!

I was tagged by Sweets! Wheeeee!

Here are the Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you

2. Post the rules on your blog

3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself

4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs

5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on his/her website

Hmmmm......

1. I have trouble falling asleep unless I am in a pitch black room with a fan blowing (it soothes me for some reason?). Best case scenario, it is cool to almost cold, and I am buried under lots of covers. I buy uber high thread count sheets, and it feels like I am sleeping on a cloud inside a cave.

2. My panties and bra alllllllways match each other, and they are usually pink. I like pink. Technically, red is my favorite color though.

3. I really am a nymphomaniac. You may have already figured that little "quirk" out though.

4. I am scared of clowns.

5. I cannot eat meat with a bone it. It grosses me the eff out.

(Ok, yeah, I realize there is a crude joke in there somewhere. heheheee.)

6. I'm shy. I swear, it's true. :)

I think I will tag.....

Coug (you can answer in the comments C), Destructive Criticism, and anyone else who feels like playing.

Giddy-up!

Introducing my new "bit" gag....typically used in "ponygirl" or "ponyboy" play.

The rubber "bit" tastes TERRIBLE, but I think if I rubbed some flavored massage oil on it that would do nicely. It's actually more comfortable than a traditional "ball gag". I think it would be verrrrrry interesting to be kissed while wearing it...

Neeeeeeeeigh!

*pinch*

Mmmmmmmm.....

Paying for it.

I had a very strange dream this morning.

It was one of those where you wake up with a "What-the-fuuuuuuuck" on your lips.

I was doing some sort of "try out" to be a prostitute.

I'm in small room with four bunk beds in it. I'm on top of one of them, and I am watching the other hookers "service" their men on the three other top bunks. The beds are close enough together that I have a very good view of everything that is happening. Watching all of that naughtiness turns me on so much that I decide I want a "client" too. I pick up some sort of phone (maybe? it's vague) and a Madam type person informs me that I should charge $1000 for a blow job, $2000 for intercourse, or $5000 for anal.

Now, keep in mind, I am on top of a fracking bunk bed in close quarters with three other couples going at it.

My client arrives and climbs a ladder (yes, a ladder) to get to my bunk. I am shocked in my dream when I realize I know him. I haven't seen him in a loooooooong time, but I know exactly who he is. My dream self does not think he recognizes me.

My client looks me up and down quite lasciviously (yum), and I start shivering. He tells me he wants me to blow him, and then he wants my ass. I hit some sort of button that indicates to the Madam how much to charge the customer's credit card, and WHOOOOOSH! All of a sudden, we are alone in a bedroom. The others in the room had been some sort of freaky illusion to get me excited enough to want to go through the transaction with my first client.

I don't think prostitutes "make out" with their customers, but I sure was. I attacked him and was just RIPPING his clothes off. Suddenly he stops me, looks me in the eye, and says my name.....

....and then.....of course.......the very moment things were reallllllllly getting interesting, I popped awake.

*blink*

I opened my eyes, stared at the ceiling, muttered a "WTF?" and started laughing.

Being a prostitute has never been amongst my extensive list of fantasies. I don't know where the heck that came from. I could see myself "role-playing" it with someone I knew though.....

Meet in a bar.....pretend you don't know each other......he buys me a drink......we talk.....he propositions me.....I tell him my price.......he's willing to pay anything for me......anything to be inside me.....

*feels her mind drifting a bit*

I could see myself doing that, with the right man.

Mmmph.

As is my norm, I have been analyzing the heck out of that dream........

WHOA!!!!!

*light bulb goes on*

Oh my.

Sensory depravation....

Burned.

She braced herself against the bathroom counter.

She knew she was in shock.

He had broken in to her hotel room, done something to her that she had barely been brave enough to fantasize about, and then left. He had LEFT.

She felt herself laugh. Hysteria? Pent up anxiety and emotion bubbling to the surface after all these years? Possibly.

She heard movement outside her door. She knew at that moment that he had been standing at the door, listening.

She made a decision. He was not going to leave her in this state. Not like this.

She pulled her robe out of her over-night bag, wrapping it around herself half-hazardly. She grabbed her room key and yanked open the hotel room door just in time to hear a gentle, distant "click".

"Stairwell.", she thought to herself. "RUN!".

She sprinted down the hallway, clutching her robe.

She opened the door, and saw him, a floor or so down.

"Please.", she gasped out. "WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

He stopped, turned, and fixed her with his gaze.

She began to move again, but slowly. Deliberately. She was slinking down those stairs, feeling his gaze burning her skin.

She stood before him. He was motionless. Simply staring with those piercing eyes of his.

Tentatively, she reached out and touched his face.

He had kissed her in the room. Bruised her, cut her lip. It mattered not.

She stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his.

Gently.

Almost tenderly.

His arms snaked around her, spun her around, and pressed her in to the wall.

"Please.", she whispered against his lips. "Take me now. Here.".

"You understand that you will be punished for this.", he growled.

"Yes Sir.", she whimpered.

"Severely."

"I understand.".

His hands opened her robe. She was naked underneath. She heard his breath catch a bit. She fought a smile.

Her hands moved to his fly, opening it, releasing his cock.

She had felt it pressing hard against her ass earlier, but she had never actually touched it before.

She began to stroke him. He was already as hard as a rock; perhaps from the earlier play during which he had not orgasmed, or perhaps in anticipation of finally being inside of her..

She knew her pussy was completely drenched. His entire hand had been inside her, and she had cum so incredibly hard for him. She was sore, but so, very, ready, for, this.

He lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his waist.

She felt the head of his cock nudging at her clit.

"Beg for it.", he growled.

"Please...", she whimpered.

He remained still.

She reached between them, rubbed her pussy, and then gripped his cock.

"Feel how wet I am for you. Feel how badly I need you inside me.".

He moaned, and his cock twitched in her hand.

"Please. Please fuck me.".

He entered her swiftly, up to the hilt. She began to move, grinding against him, using his shoulders as leverage to pull herself up, and lower herself down. She knew he was speaking to her, demanding that she ride him, but the words barely registered. She was lost in sensation. He was thrusting harder, and harder, and faster.... She was not going to last much longer. She was seconds away from cumming when suddenly he froze and held her still.

"NO! Please don't stop!".

He shifted her, lowered her feet to the ground. He eased his cock out of her pussy, and spun her around.

"Hands on the wall. Now!".

She closed her eyes and braced herself.

WHACK!

He moved his lips to her ear.

"Do you really think that you have a say in this?".

She moaned.

WHACK!!! WHACK!!!!!

"Do you really think that you have any control? Any rights?".

SLAP SLAP SLAP!!!!!!

The sound of him spanking her ass echoed through the stairwell.

She whimpered, anticipating the next strike......

She felt him move a bit....

And.....nothing.

She waited, confused.

She turned her head slightly, and gasped.

She heard a distant click.

He was gone.

Again.

Her shaking hands clutched the rail. Her forehead pressed against the cool surface of the wall. She thought for a moment that she might cry, but then.....

....her lips began to twitch, her body began to shake, and she began to laugh.

Mmmmmm.

Controlled.

It was the middle of the night. Another long, sleepless night. She was exhausted, but sleep simply would not come.

She was feeling well and truly mind-fucked.

Not in a BAD way, but still....

Mind-fucked.

She smiled.

It all made a strange sort of "sense".

Hell, it was practically cosmic.

She closed her eyes, and shivered.

Once the obstacles had cleared, he would finally take what should have belonged to him half a lifetime ago.

Until then, she hoped he could be patient. She was feeling weak. So very weak. Please....let him be strong enough for us both.

His words flooded her mind.

"You make me want to make you near me.".

She could feel little pieces of herself begin to crack. Simply.....crack.

She stared off in to the darkness, thinking about his voice. He had completely taken control of her in a single five minute phone call. There had been no "pleasantries". There had been no time wasted on gentle teasing or laughter. His still familiar voice had established their roles in mere seconds...

...and she had loved it.

Every. Single. Word.

Well, ok, the ones she could remember anyway.

Apparently, she had whimpered quite a bit, but she remembered nothing of that.

Just.....the tone. That voice. Echoing through her brain. Refusing to allow her a moment's peace.

She recalled what he had said when she voiced the fear of losing control.

"I don't think you lost control at all. It simply wasn't yours to have... or lose."

She was in awe of him.

In fucking awe.

Her Sir who is somewhat less than fond of her calling him Sir....

She felt herself smiling.

She knew he could push her in ways no other had before, if he chose to.

She wanted to push back. She wanted to push him to the brink and feel him unleash all of his passion and anger and fierceness upon her. Inside her.

Her body began to hum. She slid two fingers inside her drenched pussy. She began to rub her clit with her other hand. She was grateful he had granted her permission, or she may have been in big trouble.

She bit her lip as she began to orgasm. She had been doing that a lot lately. Her lower lip was quite sore.

Words to a Nitzer Ebb song burst in to her mind.

I'm slipping through your open mouth
Slipping through your open mouth
Open through your door
Shut the door, shut the door
Shut the door,
shut the door

Control, I'm here

After her breathing slowed, she sighed. She began considering the best and worst case scenarios. She sighed again.

This was either going to be one of the most exciting, most thrilling experiences of her life, or she was heading for a front-on collision with a freight train.

By request.....me and the Coug....

Playing with color...

Consumed.

As I listen to the words of my latest addiction, a song called "Sex on fire" by a band called Kings of Leon, my mind begins to drift. A new fantasy emerges from my pervy little imagination.

Someone from my past is rattling about my mind.

He inspires me. This song inspires me. I begin to write.

Lay where you're laying
Don't make a sound
I know they're watching
Watching

I'm not sure where I am.... A dark, non-descript room, somewhere....anywhere....

There's a man. Dark hair. Strong. Powerful. I am expected to please him.

I am vaguely aware of a bed in the center of the room.

I am completely aware there are many eyes upon us.

I pause, feeling a moment of uncertainty.

He senses my fear, reaches for my hand, and presses his fingers to my lips.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.", he whispers.

I flick his fingertips with my tongue.

He smiles, moves his hand to the back of my head, pulls me towards him and kisses me deeply.

I whimper as he takes a step back, his lips leaving mine.

Our eyes lock. I see nothing but him as we fall upon the bed.

All the commotion
The killing of pain
Has people talking
Talking

The others, gathered in the room, they know what I need. They're taunting me. Telling me they know. They must smell it on me, those darker needs, the ones I sometimes to hide.

I gaze in to his eyes. I gasp when I realize, ohhhhh my yes, he knows too. He sees me, the real me. He knows I want it rough. He knows I NEED it rough. My pussy begins to throb.

You
Your sex is on fire

I feel multiple sets of hands, separating first me, and then him, from our clothes. My eyes never leave his. I shiver as he begins to touch me, explore me. But I need more than gentle touches. I can't handle gentle at this moment.

What will he do if I struggle? Will he take control? Will he bend me to his will?

I pull away from his grasp, and wrap my arms around my bare breasts. He frowns at me, and I shiver as I realize he is less than pleased. There's something "fierce" about him. Something very dark indeed, bubbling underneath the surface. I feel my pulse jump. I'm breathless.

Dark of the alley
The breaking of day
Ahead while I'm driving
I'm driving

I want to push him. Make him angry. Drive him insane with wanting me. I want him to unleash that fierceness upon me.

I slowly lower my hands, and rise until I am on my hands and knees. I slowly crawl away from him, rocking my hips. I reach the end of the bed, ease myself back down upon the bed, turn away from him, and wait.

I hear several gasps throughout the room.

They must think I have rejected him.

They could not be more wrong.

Soft lips are open
Them knuckles are pale
Feels like you're
dying
You're dying

feel him rise from the bed. I hear footsteps. I close my eyes, breathless in anticipation. I know he is on my side of the bed. I feel him sink down beside me.

Hands violently grip my hair. I am pulled and jerked across a wonderfully strong lap. I feel his lips upon my exposed neck. He nips at me. I wiggle in response. I feel his hardness against my belly, and I want to torture him too.

He, of course, figures this out immediately.

"You little brat.", he hisses in my ear.

WHACK.

I feel his hand strike my ass once....twice....then again.

He lightly strokes my back, my uppers thighs, my ass.....everywhere, except where I need him the most.

I squirm in protest.

He knows I need to cum. Of course he knows. I feel like I am dying for it.

SLAP!

Unable to contain myself any longer, I begin to moan, and whimper, and BEG.

"Please....please touch me."

You
Your sex is on fire
Consumed
With whats to transpire

I'm thrashing about. I can't stop moaning.

THWAP!

I feel another set of hands, stroking my ass. He is allowing the others to take a turn.

Slap slap SLAP!

Suddenly, I feel his fingers lightly dance upon my clit.

I shriek. I am sooooooo sensitive. Please god, let him touch me again....

WHACK WHACK WHACK!

The sudden bursts are accompanied by one of his fingers slipping inside my pussy.

I scream.

He pushes the other hands away and takes complete control. He continues to spank me....harder....and harder.....and faster, while I frantically ride his fingers. I'm close.....I am so close to cumming....

And he goes still.

He removes his fingers from my pussy, pushes me off of his lap, and presses his fingertips to my lips.

Hot as a fever
Rattling bones
I could just taste it
Taste it

I lick his slick, wet fingers, and then slowwwwwwly take his fingers inside his mouth.

Ha! A groan! Oh sweet victory. Maybe he needs to fuck me as badly as I want him to...

I draw back, and he glares at me.

I want him to make me. MAKE ME.

He flips me over his shoulder and on to the bed. He climbs up my body, straddling my breasts.

"You WILL suck my cock."

I open my mouth to voice a "no", and he thrusts inside me, deep inside my mouth. I feel his cock hitting the back of my throat. I begin to wiggle, trying to buck him off of me. He leans his upper body backwards, and spanks my clit.

"Move your lips, use your tongue, or you will NOT cum tonight."

I gaze in to eyes. Mmmmmmm. I've pushed too far.

I begin to kiss and lick and suck his cock hard. I reach around and grip his ass, encouraging him to fuck my mouth faster. He apparently approves, because I feel him lean back again, and pinch my clit.

If I could talk at this moment, I would tell him what he is doing to me, how my body feels like it has ignited. How consumed I am with this moment. How badly I want him. How my ass is on fire from his hands, and how good it burns. How good he tastes. How perfectly he fits in my mouth. How I cannot wait to feel him pound my pussy, and my ass, if he wants it. I don't want him to stop. Ever.

But it's not forever
But it's just tonight
Oh we're still the
greatest
The greatest

He crawls off of me, and flips me over on to my tummy.

I hear the crowd murmur in approval over my ass, which is apparently bright red and covered in handprints.

WHACK! Slap slap WHACK!

He rakes his nails down my back. I wiggle, begging for more.

He pulls me up on to my knees.

Yes. Ohhhhhhh yes.

His cock slams in to my pussy.

I scream.

His hand presses my face in to the bed. His hand remains on my throat.

Yes. God yes.

"You will NOT cum until I give you permission. Do you understand me?"

WHACK, he slaps my ass again, his hand tightens around my throat.

"Yes, Sir."

I thrust my hips back against him. My knees begin to shake. I can't stop moaning and groaning. I am losing my mind.

He goes still, and I want to cry as I feel him pull out.

You
Your sex is on fire
You
Your sex is on fire

I gasp as I feel a finger slip inside my pussy. Why? Then I feel probing.... Oh. He wants my ass. Mmmmmmm. He keeps one finger inside my ass, and presses another inside my pussy. I grind my hips. Ohhhhh yes.....I want this.....

I hear the others in the room, murmuring their approval.

He is changing positions a bit. I know he is about to enter me. I shiver. I can't wait.

He begins to press inside. I moan as my nerve endings begin to fire and send sparks down my body. He continues pressing forward until he buried deep inside my ass.

I hear him gasp as I flex my muscles.

He groans and says "Rub your clit baby.".

You
Your sex is on fire
Consumed
With whats to transpire

My fingers dance across my clit. I feel him begin to withdraw a bit, and then ohhhhhhhhhh he sinks back inside. I begin to grind my ass in to his pelvis, signaling him that I am ready for more. He grips my hips, pulls almost all the way out, and thrusts back inside. I'm moving my fingers faster. God I hope he lets me cum soon. I am so close to release....

He quickens his pace.

I hear his breathing change.

He's excelerating.

I rub my clit faster.

"Cum for me. Now.", he gasps out.

My body begins to vibrate. I feel an orgasm beginning to rise. He's slamming in to me. I can tell he's close.

"Cum inside my ass. Please Sir....give me your cum....".

I hear a low growl. He's cumming. I feel him begin to shoot inside me, and BAM. I begin to cum hard. So hard that I see stars. He presses me down, lying completely on top of me. I gasp and pant as I feel him twitch and pulse. I ride my orgasm wave, and mentally collapse.

I feel him kissing my neck. I turn my head towards him, and our lips meet. It's a surprisingly sweet kiss.

He rolls off of me, pulling me on top of him.

I continue to kiss him. I feel other hands stroking my back, my ass, my hair.

Mmmmmmmmm....

The audience disappears. Off to watch someone else I suppose...

I continue to kiss him, enjoying the feel of his tongue against mine....

The song ends, I sigh, and publish this post.

Yes Flowers, I will post the conclusion to my little lez story soon. This one just demanded to be published first.

For a limited time only....

This picture will probably self destruct in ohhhhhh......24 hours or so. ;)

POOF!

Yes please....part II...

Missed part I? Scroll down to the previous post. xoxoxo

I quickly discovered that maintaining eye contact while I'm being fingered by a beautiful woman is next to impossible. My eyes moved from the ceiling, to the furniture, to the floor. Anywhere but her incredibly intense gaze.

"I don't... I don't think... I'm not ready for..."

Before I had a chance to finish, her finger was removed from my pussy, and forced into my mouth. I gasped and began to gently suck. I wanted to meet her eyes, I swear I tried. I was still in a bit of shock, feeling unsure of what I was supposed to be doing. The finger was withdrawn, and she glanced down at my exposed cleavage. A smile lit her face as she saw my obvious excitement. Damn nipples. I sighed, and finally raised my eyes to hers.

"Stop thinking. Don't be scared," she cooed at me. "You'll love this."

"Please, tell me what you will do first," I begged.

"I'll kiss down your body, like this." She kissed each breast, then the valley between, and began to move lower. "I may spend a bit of time here, on your tummy." She laughed as I began to shriek over being tickled. "Whenever I wish, I'm going to brush my finger against your sweet clit, like this." I gasped as I felt her touch me. Oh god. Please let her do that again! She began to explore my inner thighs, letting her hands wander. I tried to shift my body to force her hands closer to where I needed them the most. She removed her hands. Such a meanie. "You're going to beg for my tongue. I'm not going to make you cum until you do."

I quickly considered my options. Honestly, I was ready to beg that very moment. Or....I could play along....become an active participant in my own sweet torture.

I remained silent, and chose to wiggle rather than speak.

"Brat." She laughed and bit the inside of my thigh.

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. Play the game. I want to play the game. Don't speak. Not yet.

"Think you can battle wills with me? I think you'll blink first, little girl."

She gave my pussy a little spank. I yelped, but I liked it.

"I don't think you understand what you are denying yourself. Give in to me, and I'll dip my tongue into your pussy and taste you, like this." Her tongue flicked my clit, then sank her tongue inside. One of her fingers swiftly slid inside me. "Mmmmm....you are so wet for me. I know you want this.", she murmurred against my clit. I screamed and bucked against her as she licked and softly bit my clit. MORE! YES! Like THAT! Another finger! PLEASE don't STOP!!!

She quickly crawled up my body, grabbed my face, and forced me to be still. "Are you ready to beg for my tongue to fuck you? Are you ready to cum little girl?". She kissed me. Hard. I could taste myself in her mouth. Oh my god! She pinched one of my nipples, and moved her hand back between my legs. Please touch me! PLEASE! I ached for more.

"Tell me. Are. You. Ready?"

She slid two fingers inside me. I arched my back, and thrust against her, whimpering, moaning.

"Answer me."

She rubbed her thumb over my clit.

I finally lost control.

"YES I'm ready! Please!".

"Ready for what? Ready for me to stop?". She removed her fingers, and I thought I would die.

"Please fuck me with your tongue. I'll do anything you want. Just please DON'T STOP!".

"Anything I want?"

"YES! ANYTHING!"

The second those words went out of my mouth, I knew I was in big, big trouble....

....to be continued....because I'm mean....

Yes please....

"Do you want to come in?"

I felt a rush of power in that moment. Looking at her I understood that she wanted me to say yes. I had the opportunity to be bold, to take what I wanted. So I did.

"Yes." I said.

She ushered me in with this sexy, predatory confidence, her eyes locked onto me. I don't actually remember reaching the sofa. Suddenly, we were sitting, facing each other, and I felt dizzy. "I've been chasing you for two years. I'm done.", she said, looking me up and down, ever so slowly.

I couldn't speak, could barely breathe. I stared at her, wide-eyed, my body aching to feel her, skin to skin. When her lips finally captured mine, I thought I might faint. Thank God her arms quickly encircled my waist, because I'd have collapsed and slipped to the floor if she hadn't been holding me in place. The lips I had been dreaming of were now pressed against mine, nibbling gently, coaxing me to open up. Her tongue came out to play as she deepened the kiss.

My hands, which had been resting on her arms, began to roam as the hunger I'd been struggling to keep a leash on, broke free. I had my fingers buried in her hair and I kissed her back with all the pent up passion of the last two years.

She pressed her breasts against mine as she devoured my mouth. I could hear soft whimpering, and it took me a few moments to realize it was me making the sounds. Her hands moved slowly along my sides and they left a trail of heat in their wake. My body was on fire. Her fingertips brushed the sides of my breasts her lips left mine and trailed along my neck. My eyes were closed and I was lost in sensation.

She began kissing down my neck. It wasn't until I felt her teeth lightly tug on the clasp of my bra that I realized she'd relieved me of my shirt. Her fingers joined her mouth and deftly unfastened the clasp. My breasts spilled out into her hands. She squeezed gently, and I nearly died. It was all so...naughty. My first sexual experience with a female, and I was having it with the fantasy girl from next door!

There's something indescribably hot about being with someone who is completely and utterly immersed in making you feel good. Her touch had me longing to be nasty, to let go of all inhibitions. At that moment, I knew I would do anything she asked, right then, right there.

...to be continued...

Kissing a Lizard...

Recently, my high school graduating class celebrated a reunion.

I wasn't able to attend, but I was very interested in hearing some details.

I emailed one of my old friends and asked if he had attended.

He had not either, but he'd recently had dinner with someone who was there, and he shared some stories with me today.

Oh Flowers.

*whimper*

Before I can share what my evil "friend" did to me via email, I have to share a story from my past with you.

One of my close friends had a serious boyfriend. He had a best friend, this giant football player dude, who was always kind of hanging around. He liked me. A lot. A WHOLE lot. I liked him fine, but I was never interested in anything but being friends. On several occasions, this guy became very drunk, and extremely grabby with me. I was a lot smaller than him, so I was usually able to wiggle away from him and escape. One time (cue dramatic horror film music) I was not fast enough.

Oh mah god.

Flowers, he kissed like a lizard. All these weird, darting tongue movements, and eeeeeew, did he ever slobber on me. I was 17 years old, and had kissed more boys than I could possibly count, but even my young mind knew, he was absolutely the worst kisser in my entire school.

Young Blondage was not pleased.

So, you have a basic description of Lizard-Liplock-Dude in your mind, right?

His sister was in my grade. They looked almost exactly alike, except he was tall and she was not. I adored this girl. She was cool as hell. I think we all knew then that she was a lesbian, but nobody gave a hoot. What can I say, I had cool friends.

So got it? Lizard-Liplock-Dude and his look-alike lesbian sister, whom I adored, though she was NOT my type. Neither was he, obviously.

Now fast-forward to the present.

The guy friend that I was trading emails with about the reunion, informed me that the Look-alike Lesbian sister was there. We chatted back and forth a bit, and I told him about the Lizard, and the following conversation took place. His words are first, followed by mine in italics...

"J had a group pic on her camera from the reunion & Lesbian Sister LOOKED like her brother (the one that was always tryin' to kiss you). I'm not entirely convinced they're 2 different people. Come on... when was the last time you actually saw them both together, at the same time??? EXACTLY"

" I'm dying to see that group pic! The idea that the first girl I kissed was Lesbian Sister is pretty......uh....is funny the right word? Or maybe disturbing. I dunno. LOVED her, but uhm, she's not my type, nor was she ever my type. For the record, neither was her brother. Ugh. Too grabby and slobbery (how is THAT for a little visual! Eeeew!). "

Ewwwww you kissed Lesbian Sister and her male clone a/k/a/ "grabby and slobbery."

"I did not kiss Lesbian Sister! I did not kiss LESBIAN SISTER!!!!!!!!! Ok, so maybe I kissed pretty much everyone else we ran around with, but NOT HER! Just her slightly taller doppelganger who had the kissing skills of a lizard. Baaaaad memory, burning through my brain. Make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

And Flowers.......ohhhhhh sweet baby Jesus......he hit me with THIS, typed exactly the I have it here:

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. try not to imagine
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. The Lizard's Sister leaning over you... drooling
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. because that would be creepy & probably keep you awake
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. sweet dreams
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Fuck me runnin'. I am gonna kick that man!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew.

I tell ya Flowers......

My libido kicked back in to high gear, for which I am mighty grateful......

But.

I am so fucking insatiable it is downright PAINFUL.

Ike

My family is safe. We're all still pretty traumatized, but ok.

My house survived. My workplace.... *groan* Not so much.

Trying to move on....

I'm having some residual health issues. The actual miscarriage took over a week because of all the estrogen and progesterone I was on. That stuff had to work itself out of my system before my body could finish the process. My blood work showed a bacterial infection, so my doc put me on some strong antibiotics, which I rather promptly had a bad allergic reaction to. That was fun. I still have this mystery infection, and frankly, feel like crap. I'm on new antibiotics now. I'm off the pain meds finally. Doc has me taking aspirin for reasons you can probably guess, and I have to take one round of birth control pills starting Sunday because my hormone levels are all wonky.

We have a plan in place for trying again. I haven't decided whether or not I will blog about it. I know I am not going to talk about it in the real world. I still have some thinking to do. I don't regret talking about everything here. It was therapeutic, and I thank you all for that. I'm just thinking I may be a bit more stealth about things this time.

I am over the "anger" phase. Someone patted me on the shoulder this morning, and I did not feel the urge to rip his arm out of it's socket. I guess that is progress, right? :)

Now I am just kind of tired and numb. I'll be ok though, I promise.

Screaming in a vacuum

I had my assistant and the Cougar tell people around me (several hundred co-workers), politely but firmly, to leave me alone. Don't hug me, don't touch me, don't ask me about my miscarriage, just leave me alone, give me some space, and let me get over this. Some people of been respectful of my request. Most have not.

"I just can't help myself, I have to hug you. There (hug, pat pat), isn't that better?".

As a matter of fact, no, it is not better.

Few people are respecting my wishes or my boundaries, and I feel like I am about to explode.

empty

I think you were a girl.

I never said it out loud before, but I think you were a girl.

That is how I imagine you, a strawberry blonde with ponytails, waiting for us, somewhere else.

I wish I knew what went wrong. I pray it wasn't anything I did.

I'm sorry my tiny baby pea. Your Daddy and I loved you so much.

It's not a litter.... :)

See that little black jellybean looking thing on the lower left, surrounded by a white oval thing? That's my baby! Yes, baby as in singular. All you people trying to curse me with triplet girls failed! LOL

WTF?

So last night, I was having this dream.

It was a good dream.

Nay, a GREAT dream.

I was bent over a man's lap. One of his hands was rubbing my pussy while he spanked me hard with the other. It was sooooooo good. I was squirming and moaning and I started having an orgasm in my dream, and.....

BAM!!!!!

Pain shot through my recently-over-stimulated ovaries and shocked me awake.

Oh sweet baby jesus, please don't let this mean I am not going to be able to have sex until after the baby/babies come......

Oh my... :)

We find out this Monday how many babies are cookin' in there.

Holy crap!

Guess what?

Now the big question is......how many of them are in there?

:)

I make no sense....

On the one hand, I am a sexual submissive...use me, abuse me, whip me, spank me, screw my brains out, call me naughty names....

On the other hand, I am a fiercely independent career woman terrified of giving up her job to become a stay at home Mom, and, for the first time since I was a teenager, be completely dependent on someone else in order to survive.

(Nice run-on sentence there Blondage.)

I wish I could drink.