Roller coasters

A serious post for once. I promise irreverent and goofy Blondage will be back to play tomorrow.

I was having the most fucked up day today. It was BAD. Very very bad. I was frustrated with stuff inside and outside the office...feeling so incredibly lost....and taken for granted. I hate that feeling, when you give and you give and you try and try harder and the effort goes unnoticed, overlooked, taken for granted and/or unappreciated.

I checked my email, and found one that had blunt, come-to-Jesus type advice for me (thanks buddy, I needed it bad). It was one of those head-spinning, universe-changing, direction-altering emails. It was hard to read, hard to digest, but absolutely the right thing for me to hear and I'm grateful.

I made up my mind about some pretty big things, and was feeling uncharacteristically sad.

But you know what happened? Things got better.

First, I received a surprise phone call from a dear friend, who made me think, made me giggle, and made me late for my gym date.

Then, despite feeling like death chewing on a cracker, I went to the gym and allowed my trainer to kick my ass a bit.

The endorphins kicked in to high gear.

The fog was beginning to lift.

Then I came home to my crazy ass dog who loves me almost too much, my cat who howls like a banshee if I don't pick him up immediately, and my Other Half's teasing and gentle hugs.

And I am fine now.

I feel stronger. Better.

Perspective changed.

I came to some important realizations today, both in regards to work and some personal stuff.

I love roller coasters. Always have. You could even say I am addicted to them. The excitement of the ride...the thrill of exploring one with lots of loop-dee-loops.......but if you ride them for too long, you're going to get sick.

Flowers, I think it is time for me to get my land legs back.

Sex talk will be back tomorrow, I promise.

Thank you for listening, my lovely friends.

xoxoxoxoxoxo
-b

Seduction style quiz

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Hat tip to L.L.!!!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

.....turn, and face the strange.....ch-ch-changes.....

--- I took my half-profile pic off the blog. I might put a different one up soon, but I decided I was too recognizable in the "eyes" picture. Trying to fly under the radar ya know. I'm cool with emailing my pic to people who ask. I just don't feel comfy publishing my pic.

--- I'm working with a designer on a new look for the blog. Woo hoo! Can't wait.

--- My trainer is having her boobs done on Friday. She is going from an A cup to an almost D. Holy cow! Talk about a change.

This, of course, means her evil husband, aka the Marquis de Sade, will be taking over my training until she heals. OMG! Just thinking about it makes me wanna cry like the girlie girl I am.

But.........maybe I can use the pain to my advantage.

I got home from the gym last night tired and throbbing (it was legs night! ugh!).

I didn't think I had it in me to "get busy" with Other Half.

I was on the puter, and he started flirting with me. You think I'M a flirt. HA! You should meet the Master! *intentional double entendre*

I could see where he was aiming, and I complained about my legs hurting....

As I was posting comments on many of your blogs (hehehehee) Other Half began massaging my shoulders....ahhhhhh.....and moved to my lower back.....double ahhhhhhhhhh.....and then lowered himself to his knees and began massaging my feetsies, then my ankles, then my calves, and my thighs.....I was kind of zoning, but he demanded that I continue commenting and focus. Rascal. I think it was some sort of revenge for me being on the puter so much?

I whined a bit.

And then....

Other Half: Remember what I did that last time you whined?

Blondage: *whimpers* Yes.

Other Half: *stern look* Yes what?

Blondage: *suddenly feels quite tingly* Yes Sir.

Other Half: Open your legs.

Blondage: *whinces from soreness, opens legs*

Other Half: Slide towards me.

Blondage: *slides and wiggles*

Other Half: *pulls off Blondage's yoga pants*

Blondage: *moans, half in pain and half in excitement*

Other Half: *slowly lifts blondage's legs over his shoulders*

Blondage: *whimpers*

Other Half: *grins wickedly*

Blondage: *laughs*

Other Half: *kisses his way up Blondage's thighs*

Blondage: *sighs, moans*

Other Half: Tell me what you want.

Blondage: *whimpers*

Other Half: *stern look* Tell me what you want!

Blondage: You.

Other Half: *smiles* Where do you want me.

Blondage: Between my legs until I cum.

Other Half: *fulfills Blondage's request, three times in rapid succession*

So Flowers....perhaps being extra sore from a work out won't be such a bad thing.

*wink*

Blog crush updates...

I've written about blog crushes before here.

Oh my dear, dear Flowers, I have quite a few new names to add to my crush list.

At the rate I am going, I really do need to get a bigger blog. LOL!!!!

Alphabetically of course, my latest editions....

Azrael, a kindred spirit for sure.

Fred and Wilma - I think this is the first time I have ever had a crush on a couple. *grin*

J, who writes so many naughty blogs you could get lost in them for hours!

Jaded D, the most raw, consistantly shocking of the naughty blogs I have linked. I do soooooo enjoy being shocked. ;)

Lycan, would you hurry up and post the rest of the frikkin D story? The withdrawel symptoms are getting worse.

Nate, who harasses me about my music all the time, but that's ok. He is so damn cute he could get away with a lot in regards to moi. ;)

Poosh, oh my dear British Poosh. Sooooooo much fun to tease. I've been seeing that naughty side you try to pretend you don't have a lot lately and I am lovin' it!

And my latest find, the divine Will , who had this to say about me yesterday:

"Breaking Character"
I don't usually do this, but this is a special occasion. The hot and naughty Blondage is going on my sidebar.

I don't do that reciprocating links-adding bullshit, but her blog is so deliciously naughty that I am this time. Enjoy, Flowers.

OMG! I can't stop laughing over "Enjoy, Flowers". I think I may love Will. ;)

I'll wrap it up with a shout out to my original Dirty Dozen.

Hugs and kisses, my dear men.....

Acidman
Anonymous Smiley Face Man (though he hath disappeared)
Bane
Ciggy
Colby "CBFTW" Buzzell
Hawwwwwt Perverted Friend
johndeerebilly
Laughing Wolf
Mandelbrot's Chaos
Straight White Guy
Tesco
Zoomie

A simple equation

After a bit of a drought (7 days I think! Merde!!!) due to work schedules and illness in the house of Blondage, I am happy to report that I put out repeatedly this evening.

Ahhhhhhhhh...........blog fodder....(giggles in L.L.'s direction).........

*happy sigh*

I was so frikkin tired from working all weekend that I really didn't think I had the energy, but The Other Half is a verrrrrrrrry smart man.

When I got home from work tonight, he had "Blondage Viagra" (aka wine for you newbies) waiting and NEW PORN!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh.............new porn.

I love porn. I can't help it. I just do. I can be, as I mentioned earlier today, TOE UP from 'da floor up, but pop in hot new porn and I turn in to the frikkin energizer bunny of sex.

Hub bought me one called Hellcats 3 for my birthday in July and we both liked that one, so when he spied Hellcats 7 today he pounced on it. The series is pretty cool. Adult Video News (www.avn.com ) calls the style "gonzo"....does this mean that the director, Joey Silvera, is the Hunter S. Thompson of porn? I like the series because the director mixes in a lot of kink, and all the actors are uber hot.

So where were we.

Ah yes. The secret to me.

Wine squared plus Hellcats to the 7th degree equals Hot Blondage.

mmmmMMMMmmmm......still feeling quivery........

*eyes Other Half*

Please excuse me Flowers. I am overcum (ha!) with the urge to go molestin'.

What I'm listening to...

Oh my Flowers. I am TOE UP from the weekend and don't have any hot sex to report on.

*whimper*

So I'll stick with music today.

Last week I couldn't stop listening to the new Staind cd (lots of ballads on it if you like their ballads), Mars Volta and older Radiohead (Fake Plastic Trees....OMG I love that song). I'm obsessing over the band Stereophonics today. I don't like the whole cd, but there's three or four songs on it that I keep playing over and over.

So....this one is called Dakota. How hot is the lead singer? Meeeoooooooowwwww!

I promise this will be the last day I assault you with a music vid for a while. hehehehehehehee

"Dakota" By Stereophonics

A little Mars Volta for this fine Saturday....

"The Widow"ByThe Mars Volta

...seven things I....

The divine Miss Maeve tagged me on a MeMe.

And........I turned it primarily pervy, because that's what I do! heheheheheheheee

SEVEN THINGS I ....

Plan to do before I die:

1-Join the mile-high club
2-Visit "Colette New Orleans" (a sex club with a full dungeon! woo hoo!)
3- Be "trained" in the dungeon at Colette
4- Stay in a BDSM bed and breakfast (they are macked out with play equipment!)
5-Return to Scotland and have sex in a castle again
6-Have sex in a gondola in Italy
7- Produce children

Things I can do:
1.Bend like a pretzel
2.Give a kick ass blow job
3.Kiss for hours...and hours....and hours....
4.If I am REALLY turned on, I can cum on command
5.Cum in multiple positions, multiple times
6.Travel to subspace (woo hoo!)
7.Take a very hard spanking for a very long time

Things I can't do:
1.drink wine and NOT have sex
2.go back to a vanilla relationship
3.lie
4.take criticism
5.drink anyone under a table
6.win at card games
7.be perky early in the morning

Things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1.sense of humor
2.voice
3.dark hair with darkish eyes or lightish brownish hair with greenish eyes
4.confidence
5.broad shoulders
6.nice chest
7.character

Things I say most:
1.Yes
2.Harder
3. Faster
4.Deeper
5.More
6.Don't stop
7.Now

Celebrity crushes:
1.Russell Crowe in his Gladiator costume
2.Viggo Mortenson in his Aragorn costume
3.Tommy Shaw, guitarist from Styx
4.Trent Reznor, lead singer of Nine Inch Nails
5.Mel Gibson from the Mad Max days
6.Clive Owen, actor who makes my toes curl
7.Eric Bana, another actor who makes my toes curl

I think I'll tag....
L.L. and Pooshie
And no, you don't have to stick with dirty stuff!

One of these things is not like the other...

Years ago, I was dating this fellow.

We'll call him........Captain America.

Captain America and I dated for maybe....three or four months before I was ready to go past second base.

So....

Fairly romantic night.....Captain America having been perfectly charming and Captain America-ish. We get back to my place. We start drinking "Blondage Viagra" (wine).

He sits down in my wing-back chair, and pulls me into his lap. We start making out, and it's awesome.

So we make out.

And we make out.

And we make out some more.

And drunk Blondage decides she is in the mood to shock Captain America (have you noticed I get off on periodically shocking people????).

Soooo....

I crawl, or maybe I should say slink, down his body and kneel on the floor.

His lustful eyes widen.

I look up at him, smile innocently, and he growls at me.

I reach for his belt, and he looks ready to hyperventilate.

He tries to reach for me again, but I push his hands away.

I undo his belt, lean forward, and unzip his pants with my teeth.

(Oh Flowers, if you could have seen his shocked face!)

I reach inside his pants, and for the first time touch his manly appendage.

(hehehehehee)

He squirms and moans, and I smile.

I widen his fly for easier access.

Everything comes flying out.....

....and I notice.....something is......lopsided.....strangely shaped....awkward.....odd.

I try not to gawk, and think to myself, self, you're drunk. You're not seeing what you think you're seeing.

Sooo.....

I lean forward and slowwwwly begin teasing Captain America's Captain America with my lips and my tongue.

He's squirming more and moaning louder, and I am trying not to giggle.

I reach up and lightly touch his balls while I am......performing......and I think to myself.....uhm....
weird.

Now Flowers, at this point in my life I was about 23, and had only been "intimate" with two other people....and I hadn't exactly been, shall we say, "explorative" before this point.

Sooo....

I'm between his legs multi-tasking (*grin*), and I can't stop thinking something is really, really odd.

I grasp his Mr Happy in my hands, and lower my mouth to his balls.

I start with tracing my tongue lightly over each one, trying to ignore the slight difference in texture, still thinking to myself, DRUNK!

I move my hands up and down his Roscoe (I love you my dear Acidman, LOL), and gently begin to suck on his balls.

I move from the left one to the right one.

And.

Freeze.

And I look up at him, confused.

He sighs and tells me a story about an illness from years before that he had successfully recovered from....

In the previous post "Writer's block", the comments part, The Ugly American asked me what the weirdest thing was that I've ever had in my mouth was?

Well Flowers.

It was a synthetic ball.

Writer's block

Maybe it's all the cold medicine, but I can't think of a single damn thing to write about tonight.

Zoomie, may I please borrow the Muse? I promise I won't feed her a whole bag of espresso beans this time.

-b

mmmmMMMmmmm....kissing........

I’ve been thinking back on the best kisses of my life.

I think it started with the make-out session on the couch that I wrote about here.

Soooo....without a fussy intro, here's the list my cracked-out brain (still sick ya know) came up with.

10. Richard, circa 1982 or 1983 – I remember my very first kiss so well. It was at “homecoming”. I was in junior high. I must have been….maybe 12? His name was Richard. He was slobbery, but I didn’t mind. I cut his lip with my braces.

9. Howie, circa 1989 – I should have known better than to lose my virginity to someone with a name (well, it was a nickname, but still) like Howie, but he sure could kiss.

8. Two random barflys, circa 1991 – my 21^st birthday drunkfest. I made out with two really gorgeous guys. At least I think they were gorgeous. I prefer to trust my fuzzy memory. Heheheheee They were friends, and both kept buying me shots. Then one of them suggested a kissing contest. They were both great, but the brunette won. And no you pervs, I didn’t go home with either of them, we just kissed. A lot.

7. Dominic, circa Feb 1998 – I had actually blocked this guy out of my brain until about a week ago when I was looking at an old journal. I loved making out with this guy, but he was terrrrrrrrrrrible at everything else.

6. Bryce, circa 1986, 1988, 1989, 1992, – I started dating him at 15. We made breaking up and getting back together an art form. The first "we're back together" kiss for each of those years is sorta tied here for 6th. The 1989 break-up happened when he left for the air force academy. I heard he's a big time specialist of some sort of ground-breaking flight technology these days. Neato, but I'm still pissed at him. ;)

5. Alejandro, circa 1992 – my almost 7 foot tall blonde-haired blue-eyed basketball playing Spaniard. Our first date was to see a production of Mozart’s “Don Giovanni”. After the opera, we walked around downtown, kissing at all the streetlights. Kissing someone that much taller than me was kind of a challenge at first, but eventually we figured out that if he just picked me up it was easier for both of us. ;)

4. Mr. Black Crows, circa 1995 – That's what my friend Susie called him, because that's where I met him, a Black Crows concert. His name was actually Jeff. We met at that concert, and after kissing for practically the entire concert (god that was fun) I went home with him. I still can't believe I did that. hehehehehee We dated for about six months, so at least it wasn't a one-night stand (tho yes flowers, I admit I had one of those, but that story is for another day).

3. Mcbaen, circa 1997 – My first Dom. I’ve already written about that kiss here.

2. The Other Half, Sep 30 1999 – The “I now pronounce you husband and wife” kiss.

1. The Other Half, April 1 1998 – The first time The Other Half really kissed me. We were in a parking lot. He took my hand, kissed my wrist, and slowly worked his way up my arm, to my neck, to my cheek, and to my lips. BAM! I was lost. I knew I was going to marry him. ;)

Your Kissing Purity Score: 14% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk. You're in a permanent lip lock.

Kissing Purity Test

* * UPDATE * *

Well shock of shockers, BBF (aka Blondage's Best Friend) out-perved both me and johndeerebilly on the Kissing Purity Test! GIRL! You have been holdin' out on me!!!! ROFLMAO!

You know you're a blog addict when...

...you are home sick, you should have your ass in bed, but you drag your effed up self over to the puter anyway to write a post announcing to the world that you are, in fact, sick as hell but you're blogging anyway.

Will one of you Flowers please knock me out and drag me away from here?

*whimper*

Chick Movie Night in the House of Blondage

I called The Other Half several times today to talk to him about this crummy-ass day I was having at work.

When I got home, I discovered he had stopped and bought a mushy chick flick DVD ("The Wedding Date") on the way home, popped open a bottle of my favorite red wine and had two glasses chilling, and had cooked a healthy dinner.

Now before you boys start thinking he's a puss...

He HATES chick flicks. LOATHES them. The fact that he actually bought one is a shocker.

He HATES to cook. He ESPECIALLY hates to cook anything remotely healthy, but he did it anyway to please me. He even dimmed the lights and lit candles (though they had to be extinguished due to the enthusiastic and destructive tail-wagging by our 95 pound golden retriever).

It wasn't the movie, ambiance, the wine or the meal that broke me out of my funk. It was the effort he made. The planning is what meant so much to me.

Remember that Flowers. When your own other half is having a tough time, do something unexpected, surprise them, do something special and show them how much you love them. Don't just tell them you love them. Saying the magic words is wonderful, but sometimes actions can mean more, say more.

As I was driving home, there was no frikkin way The Other Half was going to get lucky tonight. I was just too upset. But now........very shortly, I will be heading off to worship every bone (snicker) in that wonderful man's body.

xoxoxoxoxoxo
-b

This is for BBF....

"American Bad Ass"ByKid Rock

Ohhhhhhhh Flowers....it is such a shame you won't be able to watch BBF dance and rap all the words to this in her office to this when she discovers it in the morning..... HAWWWWT!!!!!

But BBF, I still think he needs a damn bath. ;)

Is this better Nate?

Guns and Roses Sweet Child of Mine

*giggling*

A little Monday morning mood music....

Click here for "Epiphany" By Staind

Lyrics:
Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away

'cause i can't take anymore of this,
I want to come apart
or dig myself a little hole
inside your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

Postion of the week(end)

The Political One:
Is anyone else cracking up over the jealous rage expressed over Bush getting to go bike-riding with Lance Armstrong? *rolls eyes*

The Sexual One:

mmmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmmmm

Classic scissors.

Me: on my back, legs straight up in the air, ankles crossed

The Other Half: Holds my ankles, sometimes with one hand, sometimes with both

GREAT for deep penetration. We have to be careful with this one because Other half is...uhm....well endowed (wicked grin) and I am kinda of shallow-ish.......but damn is it good. As long as we go slow and don't get too carried away, it's awesome.

Variation #1: Sometimes I keep my ankles crossed and pull my knees to my chest.

Variation #2: Keeping my ankles crossed and legs straight, I'll roll on my side. Simple adjustment, but definitely changes the "feel" of things. Woo hoo!

Now get off the puter, go have some hawwwwt sex, and tell me all about it.

....about last night....

Before I get in to sex talk, I have to get something off my 36 B chest. I just received an email from someone who told me to pick a side - am I a republican with a politiblog or am I a nympho with a sex blog. Why would you think I can't be both? That's kinda the whole point of my little blogosphere experiment, my dear dear Flowers. If you go through the archives, I tend to stick with sex. If it was election time, I'd probably throw a bit more politics in to the mix. If you are looking for a kick ass blog that is more consistantly political, please visit my very very favorite, Blonde Sagacity. She totally rocks.

Ok! Back to sex! This has to be a quick post, because I am having my rescheduled-from-yesterday lunch with BBF soon. Yay!

Last night.

mmmMMMmmm......

I was in my pjays and fuzzy bunny slippers, playing on the computer, trying to stay caught up on email (I LOOOOVE your emails! Keep 'em coming!).

The Other Half pulled up a chair behind mind, determined to distract me.

Rascal.

He pulled my chair back towards him, and wrapped his arms around my waist. I giggled, and gave the "5 more minutes" whine for probably the 3rd or 4th time. He said no, rather sternly, which of course thrilled me.

He demanded that I stand up.

I stood.

He demanded that I bend over the desk.

I bent.

He tugged on my pajama bottoms, and pulled them off.

I wiggled.

I was expecting a spanking.

I was wrong!

He began kissing my middle back, and working his way lower.....and lower.........

Girls, have you ever received oral from this position? Oh my my my. So effing great. It makes me cum soooooo fast....and I was close.....sooooooooo close......and the rascal STOPPED! He told me I was not allowed to cum until he told me I could.

*whimper*

I had to absolutely freeze, because if I had moved even a tiny bit, I know I would have had an orgasm and gotten in to the kind of trouble I wasn't in the mood for. ;)

After a few minutes of calming down, he had me kneel for some enthusiastic oral reciprocation.

*wicked grin*

He sat down in a chair and pulled me with him. I do soooooo love being on top....being able to set the depth, the pace, the rhythem.....

Ahhhh......

I rode him until we couldn't move.

When he finally allowed me to cum, I screamed so loud I probably scared the neighbors.

So you see Flowers? I can get off on more vanilla-ish sex too.....

Makin' up, Makin' out

I've officially forgiven The Other Half for spilling the beans on the ghost story. He more than made up for it last night. *verrrrrrry wicked grin*

** I love kissing.

When was the last time you laid on a couch and just made out with your partner for an hour, pausing to occasionally share sips of wine...drinking it from each other's lips.... *melt* Ohhhhhhh my was that fun. Lots of slow, passionate kissing.....a bit of heavy petting....a bit of grinding, all done with clothes on...

I totally had a flash back to high school. LOL!

Eventually we made our way upstairs...

** I love being tied up.

The Other half was in the mood to play a bit rough. mmmmMMMmmm. He threw me on the bed face down and told me not to move and to keep my eyes closed. I could hear him rummage through our wicked toy chest, and select his objects of torture.

That moment of anticipation, when I don't know what he is planning, is so intense and so exciting.

*shiver*

I felt his hands on my ankles. He slowly walked his fingers up my body and to my left wrist. He slid a leather cuff around it, and attached it to the headboard. He walked his fingers down my left arm, across my shoulders, slowly, lightly, and up to my right wrist. He secured my right wrist, and leaned down to whisper all the deliciously naughty things he was planning to do to me.

(All you wannabe Doms out there, whispering some of your plans to your sub is AWESOME. Don't give away ALL of your plans, just enough to make your sub a bit nervous but totally excited....)

** I love being spanked.

He slid down my body and straddled my knees.

I waited.....

And waited.....

And waited........

*SLAP*

Ahhhhh.......

He started with his hands.....slapping my ass. We've found over the years that I can take more if he slaps and then immediately rubs/soothes me. Works for us. So there's another tip....

He moved on to our paddle....have I described it to you before my Flowers? It is leather, shaped like a ping pong paddle, and has fur on one side....

He will paddle each cheek and then rub each side with the fur.

Heavenly.

He exchanged the paddle for a leather strap. The strap hurts worse than the paddle. For sure.

Then he worked me up to our crop.

He runs the crop all over my body. I love it. More anticipation mixed with a touch of fear.

By this point, I was squirming, absolutely desperate for him to touch my clit.

He is sooooooooo good at making me lose my mind.

Finally. FINALLY, as he began using the crop, which is the most intense of our toys, he began to touch me....and put just the tip of my favorite vibe on my clit.

BAM!

INSTANT orgasm.

*happy sigh*

By the time he slid inside me I was in the happiest of places......ass on fire from being spanked, body totally mush from a kickass orgasm, The Other Half thrusting inside me and hitting my G-spot.....

BAM!

Another orgasm.

By the time he came inside me (BAM! my third orgasm) I could barely move, could barely speak.....

Damn.

Can't wait to get attacked again tonight.

Ooomph.

I'm horny

I guess I'll have to stop punishing The Other Half for telling his Mom I saw a ghost in her house.

I am so frikkin horny that I can't sit still.

Ever feel that way?

I feel that way all the time.

It's a damn curse.

And The Other Half KNOWS it.

He had SUCH a smirk on his face this morning.

I swear he knows me so well that he can SENSE when I am about to pounce on him.

So.

Tomorrow, back to my favorite subject.

Hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwt sex.

It's been a while since I did a "Position of the week" post. I think I will do some bendy-experimenting tonight with The Other Half and see what we come up with.

*wicked grin*

Manners

Last weekend I was talking to The Other Half's brother and his female "date" about Texas. The Other Half's brother, whom I shall refer to as I-don't-know-who-he-thinks-he's-foolin', is considering moving down here. This idea fills me with a sense of dread, as he is one of the bitchiest queens I've ever met.

Don't get me wrong, I loves me some bitchy queens.....but I-don't-know-who-he-thinks-he's-foolin' is bitchy in a mean-spirited way, not in a fun way.

So.

He was telling his "date", whom I shall refer to as The-Fag-Hag (I'm allowed to say that because I am one too) , that the people in Texas are so nice that we all seem fake to him.

Hmmmm.

So I started paying close attention to the manners of The Other Half's relatives.

Eeeeewwwwww! Just plain EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Table manners - practically non-existant (though I-don't-know-who-he-thinks-he's-foolin' was prissily perfect, so there were a few exceptions)

Conversation manners - Those people have two volumes. Shouting, and not talking. That's it. They ask you a question, and then THEY answer it for you. My neck was sore from nodding, because that was the extent of my participation in most conversations at the wedding.

Oh. Did I mention I went up north for a wedding?

*groan*

And that I-don't-know-who-he-thinks-he's-foolin' was asked to walk the bride, who happened to be HIS MOTHER, down the aisle and HE SAID NO?!?!?!

I need a drink just thinking about it.

Social graces - They're rude. Perfect example. The Other Half's Grandmonster looked me up and down and said with a big frown on her face "You look good, but I looked better at your age.". Swear to god she said that. I've seen pictures of that woman at 35, and she was NEVER attractive. The Fag Hag said she thought the Grandmonster was just jealous of me because I was getting a lot of attention. I think it's deeper than that. The Other Half was the first grandchild (and a BOY! a huge deal to these Sicilians) born to the oldest child (The Other Half's Mom). He fell in love with me and moved to Texas eight years ago and Grandmonster has yet to forgive me.

Children - They let 'em run hog wild and either completely ignore them or scream and yell at them. I got fed up and walked over to talk to them. I wound up sitting on the floor and used an old trick I learned when I was studying to be an elementary school teacher (which is not my current profession, for the record). If you speak softly, they lean in close to listen and stop talking and screaming. I sat with four of them, playing games and telling stories, and they turned in to angels for me. They aren't used to adults paying attention to them I guess. I LOVED playing with those kids. They were much more pleasant than those awful adults. They followed me around the rest of the day and were GOOD.

Downside - this cranked up the "when are you getting knocked up" talk. AGAIN. Ugh.

I could continue on with this rant on manners, but re-living all this is giving me a frikkin migraine.

Good grief. I didn't even go in to the family feuds. *grrrrroan* I think I'll skip that topic for now.

I don't have a lot of experience with New Yorkers. I don't know if this particular family is just overrun with naughty-but-in-a-bad-way people or if this really is regional cultural stuff or what. Maybe some of 'youse guys' can clear this up for me a bit.

I wish they were more like my Philly friends. Those people rule.

Yanks may have won "The War of Northern Aggression", but when compared to the meanies I just spent five days with, the South rises to the top in manners and kindness.

My first ghost

The Other Half's Mom lives in a house up North that was built in 1860. It's a really cool place, but it has some creepy spots in it. I don't go in the basement. EVER. I've always felt weirded out down there. The Other Half says that MOST people refuse to go down there, just so that's clear Flowers, I am NOT the only person who gets freaked out in that house.

After I saw my ghost, I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone except for BBF...

But due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control, I had to confess to The Other Half.

The scene:
Last weekend, in a bedroom in The Other Half's Momma's house, located at the top of the staircase.

The players:
A very fidgity/nervous Blondage and The Other Half

The Other Half: *climbs in to bed and gives Blondage a "come hither" look*

Blondage: *paces, sorta dances around nervously*

The Other Half: What the heck is wrong with you?????

Blondage: I have to go to the bathroom.

The Other Half: Well, then GO! *laughs*

Blondage: *paces* I can't.

The Other Half: *sighs and sorta laughs* What is going on NOW?

Blondage: I don't want to tell you because you will make fun of me forever and you'll tell people on me.

The Other Half: I promise I won't make fun of you.

Blondage: And you promise you won't tell anyone?

The Other Half: *rolls eyes* Yes, I promise.

Blondage: I have to go to the bathroom....

The Other Half: I know that part.

Blondage: ...and I have to pass by the top of the stairs to get to the bathroom....

The Other Half: And...?

Blondage: *takes a deep breat and says the following as fast as humanly possible*
...and I-am-scared-because-I-saw-a-ghost-at-the-top-of-the-stairs-and-
it's-dark-and-there's-no-night-light-and-I-don't-want-to-go-by-myself-because-
I'm SCARED!

The Other Half: *eyes widen, mouth twitches*

Blondage: DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME!

The Other Half: *lets a couple chuckles escape*

Blondage: *growls*

The Other Half: Wanna tell me what happened? *eyes twinkling*

Blondage: I was standing in the kitchen at the base of the stairs talking to someone. I looked up and saw a female in a long black old-fashioned skirt walk across the top of the staircase going towards our bedroom. *shivers*

The Other Half: Uh huh.

Blondage: Get your ass out of bed and take me to the bathroom! *growls loudly*

The Other Half: *takes my hand* Come on 'fraidy cat.

........the terrified girl and the vastly amused boy head off for a trip to and from the pottty.......

.....things get quiet......

The Other Half: Hey Sweetcheeks?

Blondage: *growls* What.

The Other Half: I sure am craving Boo-berries. *snicker*

Blondage: *punches The Other Half*

The Other Half: BOO-berries. *snickers again*

....things get quiet......and then....

The Other Half: Sweetcheeks?

Blondage: *growls* What.

The Other Half: Hold me. I'm scared.

Blondage: *punches The Other Half*

....things get quiet......and then....

The Other Half: Sweetcheeks?

Blondage: *growls* WHAT!!!!!

The Other Half: I have to go to the bathroom.

....and it went on....and on......and on........

And the next day.......first thing in the morning....

The Other Half: Hey Ma!

The Other Half's Mom: Yes son?

The Other Half: *blabs* BLONDAGE THINKS SHE SAW A GHOST IN YOUR HOUSE!

And The Other Half hasn't gotten "lucky" since.....

Where's my Calvalry?

HPF, you were supposed to come rescue me! Still waiting for you to take back the proverbial hill.

And I am desperate for that alcohol. I am sooooo getting smashed on the plane.

I am still up in Yankee-land. Supposed to be home around midnight tonight. This is my first bit of "alone time".

And I already got busted by The Other Half's Mom. Better keep this short.

I miss you, my Flowers.

Coming soon...posts on
** Me seeing my first Ghost
** Manners - North versus South
** Weird sexual dynamics
** Lost in Yonkers. Literally.

Slogging

Slogging = Slacker Blogging

I'm going out of town for a few days, and will probably have limited access to a puter. If I can get some time to myself, I might be able to do a little audio post...

See you in a few days Flowers!

Be sure and misbehave, and tell me all about it!

xoxoxoxoxo
-b

How to: put up with a woman's pet

Any of you ever develop a "serious allergy" to get out of a relationship? Or been with a person overly attached and/or obsessed with their pet or pets?

I found this list on askmen.com. That site always makes me laugh. It's so DEVIOUS! LOL!

How To: Put Up With A Woman's Pet

Like Gollum with the ring, you'll find that some women are obsessed with their pets. If you've found the right woman, but she comes with a four-legged companion, find out how to handle her Precious. Remember that Precious was there before you, and will probably be there long after you're gone.

Paris Hilton sheds guys weekly, but her yappy little lap dog stays forever. So, in order for your girl to keep you around, you'll need to adapt to her pet and learn to live with it. Here are nine ways to make it happen.

1- Pretend you love her pet
If she has a cool dog, like a lab or retriever, this will be easy. The dog will be your new best friend. Cats and lap dogs are more problematic. They could get jealous of you. You probably won't like them and they know it. Pretending is tough, but the payoff is worth it. Once you hear the words, "Precious loves you" from your girl, you've hit the jackpot. Act like you love Precious and you'll get good lovin' from your girl.

2- Study the species
Read a book about her pet's species. Find out when and where the breed originated and for what purpose the animal was originally bred. If she has a dog, learn about the dog's personality. Find out whether he loves to play, is docile or easily agitated. You'll impress her with your knowledge of her pet's characteristics.

3- Volunteer to watch her pet
If she's going out of town, watch Precious for her. You'll score huge points and you'll play to her natural instinct to be with a nurturing guy. And a good boy deserves a treat, so chances are she'll take care of you when she gets back home. A good activity is to take her dog to a local dog park. If things are on shaky ground with your girl, you can use her dog to meet other women.

4- Buy things for her pet
When you're going over to see your girl, don't show up empty-handed. Bring pet treats or a toy for Precious. This will make a bigger impression than flowers. She'll think you're sensitive.

5- Act interested in the pet
Good acting skills can do wonders for your relationship. When you see your girlfriend or talk to her on the phone, ask her how Precious is doing. She'll happily bombard you with endless boring vignettes about her pet. Pretend to listen and be interested in the stories. You'll earn the important label of "good listener." Taking pictures of her and Precious together is another good way to show you care.

6- Don't abuse the pet
In general, it's not cool to abuse animals. Don't yell at a woman's pet in front of her. And don't physically discipline the animal, unless it bites or scratches you. An aggressive animal needs to be disciplined. Negative reinforcement is a legitimate training technique for a dog. Read up on dog training for guidance on disciplining a dog without physically harming it.

7- Don't complain about the smell
If she has cats, her joint probably smells like cat crap. If she has a dog, it probably smells like stinky dog. But because she lives there, she likely can't smell it. She probably prides herself on being clean, so mentioning it could be a major offense. Plus, she might think complaining about the smell is an unmanly move on your part. Instead, do something about the smell. Help her clean out the litter box or give Precious a bath.

8- Establish the pecking order
Early on in the relationship, be sure to set some ground rules with a woman regarding her pet. First, she should treat you like the alpha dog, not the beta member of the pack. Her bed should be reserved for the two of you, not her pet. If she resists, tell her you're horribly allergic and go out and buy a nice pet bed. Also, you should be eating better, or at least as well as, her pet. If she cooks special meals for Precious, make sure she does the same for you once in a while.

9- Buy her animal-themed gifts
Women with pets often love pet-themed junk like little stuffed animals, calendars and T-shirts. Once in a while, bring her one of these gifts when you see her. A good choice is to have a coffee mug specially made with a photo of Precious on it. Another option is to give her a framed photo of her and Precious. An unexpected, thoughtful gift will get her excited. And, she'll want to give you something in return.

There's a certain type of woman you should be able to recognize and avoid. A woman with more than three cats could be nuts. Look no further than the newspaper to read about some "cat lady" who was evicted because she had a filthy place crawling with dozens of cats.

Another type of woman to avoid is one who owns a lap dog that she dresses up and puts bows on. Her Precious will always be number one with her. You'll always be number two, and no guy wants that.

Remember; if you're a good boy and treat her Precious well, she'll treat you right and keep you around for a long time. But, if it gets to be too much of a hassle, you can always develop a "serious allergy" and go your separate ways. And next time, look for a woman without a pet.

Like I said, devious. ;)

Calling all pervs! Calling all pervs!

I am itching to do another erotic audio post.

Got any hot stories you'd be willing to share?

You can be anonymous or credited, whichever you prefer.

Audio posts can only be 4:59 long, so keep that in mind for editing purposes.

Email me at blondagegrrrl@yahoo.com....

xoxoxoxoxoxo

-b

I'm so lucky

My-beloved-other-half (formerly known as The-man-who-pleasures-me and Blondage Whipping Boy) took wooooonderful care of my puny self last night (damn that Marquis de Sade trainer/neighbor of mine!).

MBOH drew me a hot bubble bath in our jacuzzi tub, lit a bunch of candles, played my favorite Coldplay cd (which he despises by the way), and totally babied me.

Ahhhhhhh......heavenly.

After about 45 minutes or so, he noticed I was pruning up. He stood me up and wrapped me up like a mummy in a fluffy towel.

He rubbed my favorite lotion all over my hot, pink skin and made me giggle. He did try to put lotion a few places I don't normally put lotion. Rascal.

He dressed me in my favorite silk pjays.

He brushed my hair.

He nuzzled my neck and massaged my shoulders.

He finally led me to the bed and kissed my forehead and my eyelids and my nose and my lips.

He was so gentle with me. I'm so used to him chasing me around with a paddle or a flogger in his hands, that sometimes I forget what a sweet, gentle soul he really is.

There is something so wonderfully intimate about your other half giving you a bath.

I love having sex with MBOH. He's an extraordinary lover, absolutely the best of my life, but it's moments like last night where there was really nothing sexual (other than the wandering hands during lotion time) about it, just loving intimacy, that make my heart pound the hardest.

I truly love that man.

Johnny Cash....covering "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

"Hurt"ByJohnny Cash

....heartbreaking, isn't it?

Bad pain

My trainer's husband, aka the Marquis de Sade, showed up at my workout tonight.

Unfortunately for me, he took over.

He's evil.

He shows no mercy.

He made me throw up.

Seriously.

*whimper*

Marked territory part deux

mmmMMMMmmm..................

*purrrrrrr purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

My arms are sore today. Not sure if it was the bicep/tricep workout at the gym last night or the workout in the bedroom.

*purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

How had I forgotten how much fun it can be to Domme someone??? Granted, it's not something I could ever be in to all the time.....but dayum. Was that ever fun. How did I forget how GOOD I am at it!

My other half, whom I shall refer to as "Blondage Whipping Boy" for this post (evil grin) really does have a damn fine ass. It was such a pleasure to spank it, paddle it, flog it, slap it and bite it.

*purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

I did decide to give BWB a hickey, but it's not anywhere that anyone is going to see it because I am.....sweet.

*verrrrrrrrrry wicked grin*

More later....

Marked territory

I'm not, nor have I ever been, much of a morning person.

This morning I got dressed for work in a hurry. I put on the CUTEST little v-necked short-sleeved sweater that I bought yesterday and some black capris, barely looked in the mirror (partly because I was half asleep, and partly because of time constrants) and hustled in to work.

I was just in the ladies room putting on some lipstick.

And I noticed....

I HAVE HICKIES! TWO EFFING HICKIES!!!!!!!!

One on each side of my collar bone, perfectly spaced (TMWPM is badass engineer/perfectionist freak, so I'm not surprised over the perfect placement).

*dials The-Man-who-pleasures-me's cell number*

TMWPM: Hey Sweetcheeks

Blondage: *growls*

TMWPM: Uhm.....

Blondage: *growls louder*

TMWPM: Planning to tell me what I did?

Blondage: HICKIES! TWO OF 'EM!!!!! And they are going to be showing ALL DAY LONG in the shirt I am wearing!!!!

TMWPM: *snickers, pats self on back, tells co-worker*

Blondage: *growls*

TMWPM: Well, I'm mostly sorry.

Blondage: We're switching rolls tonight.

TMWPM: Huh?

Blondage: You heard me. Your ass is mine tonight.

TMWPM: Shit.

....to be continued....

But can it dangle part II

All the responses to my "Can fuck dangle" post were awesome, but Mandelbrot's Chaos took the idea of Fuck as a "dangling participle" to an entirely different level.

Mandelbrot's Chaos said...

Why not a Poe-esque take on the sentence?

"Thus I sat engaged in pressing, but no syllable expressing/
To the man, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;/
This and more I sat divining, with my back all arched reclining/
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,/
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er/
I shall press, across the floor!"

All credit goes to Edgar Allen Poe, whose poem, "The Raven", I merely changed some words in one of the stanzas. As a side note, how fucked up must I be to turn one of the most morbid poems ever written into smut? lol

Sun Aug 07, 03:16:38 PM CDT

Now that's incendiary (ya know Flowers, HOT!).

A little present for Hawwwwt Perverted Friend

"Blasphemous Rumours"ByDepeche Mode

I know. I rule.

And one more, just 'cause....

"Hell"BySquirrel Nut Zippers

"I am sooooooo going to...."

Now tell me how much you missed me.

Phone sex

I love phone sex. Not as much as the real thing of course, but I love it. Except for this one disaster, I've had a lot of luck in the partner department.

Once upon a time...

I met this guy on line.

We traded pics, emails, talked on AIM...

It was a LOT of fun.

I really, really liked him.

I was gun shy about giving out my phone number, but one day, after teasing each other mercilessly on line for about an hour, I couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to hear his voice...

So I "put out"......my phone number.

......phone rings......

Blondage: *said in low, excited voice* Hello?

Mike: *said in high, falsetto voice* Blondage?

Blondage: *stunned silence*

Mike: *said in high, falsetto voice* Are you there?

Blondage: *said in more normal, not exactly excited voice* Uh huh.

Mike: Are you ready to thuck my cock?

Blondage: I beg your pardon?

Mike: Are you ready to thuck my cock?

Blondage: *silence*

Mike: Hello? Thweetie? Are you there?

Blondage: Uh huh.

Mike: Well, then anther me.

Blondage: *decides to play along and try to not hurt his feelings* Uhm....yes, I am ready to SUCK your cock.

Mike: Touch your puthy for me baby.

Blondage: *accidentally giggles, tries to make it sound like she's excited and not horrified/amused*

Mike: Whose puthy is it baby?

Blondage: *gasping, biting lip, desperate to not start howling* Uhm......yours?

Mike: Yeth baby. Good girl.

And it went down hill from there.

I've only faked one orgasm during phone sex in my life and THAT WAS IT.

Later that day I had the news on while I was doing laundry....and I heard this voice and froze....and started giggling uncontrollably.

I still wonder, to this day......did I have phone sex with Mike Tyson?

Do men have biological clocks?

Blondage: I am totally craving olives.

The Man Who Pleasures Me: Olives? *looks confused*

Blondage: Gosh yes. Green ones.

TMWPM: But you don't even LIKE olives.

Blondage: I know! Weird huh?

TMWPM: *wanders downstairs looking excited*

....20 minutes later....

TMWPM: Hey Sweetcheeks!

Blondage: Yessssssss.....?

TMWPM: SWEETCHEEKS! C-MERE!!!

Blondage: *wanders downstairs, spies a couple grocery bags* You bought me olives?!?!?! *kisses TMWPM passionately*

TMWPM: And a few other things.... *pulls out a jar of pickles, Bluebell ice cream and a conspicuous box*

Blondage: *arches an eyebrow, realization dawns*

TMWPM: You NEVER crave olives. You HATE olives. There has to be a reason!

Blondage: Uhmmm.....I'm not knocked up.

TMWPM: But, you COULD be.

Blondage: I'M NOT KNOCKED UP! *laughing* Need I remind you I'm on THE PILL!

TMWPM: But it can happen! I cum inside you every day!

Blondage: I'M NOT PREGNANT!

TMWPM: Do I have to tie you down and make you take this test?

Blondage: GROSS!!!!! You'd better be kidding!

TMWPM: *pitiful look*

Blondage: Fine, I will take the test, but don't get your hopes up.

*takes test*

TMWPM: *feeds Blondage olives while they wait*

Blondage: Ok, go look.

TMWPM: Only one line. *sighs, pouts*

A bit of background info...we tried for five years to get me knocked up. I am currently on a medication that requires that I be on "the pill" while I take it.....so we have taken a break, not from practicing of course, but from the fertility clinic tango.

I thought he was cool with this little break. He says he is.

Maybe he's not?

He was so excited today, bless his heart. Do men have biological clocks too?

Direct and firm....perfect!

I received TWO of the best lines ever in an email. One is a pick up line, one is a parting shot...

I have intentions, and those intentions include you.

Kisses on all your pink parts!

Finally. TWO I HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE!!!!!

If I wasn't attached, BOTH men would get a special prize.

(Better, naughty man? LOL!)

;)

I'd like to thank the Academy....

Thank you Dizzy Girl!

Top 5 Blog Posts of the Week:
5. Cupie Spew: Clean Chubbies Cause Controversy, Crap!
4. Four Right Wing Wackos: At Last, A Little Sanity in the UK
3. Serenity's Journal: Yet Another Reason I Despise Most in Society
2. Joy Unexpected: An "Experiment"
1. Perverted Republican: The Pussification of America

But can it dangle?

I got in to a lively discussion today about the "Joys of the F word".

I love the word Fuck.

I enjoy saying it.

I enjoy doing it.

I love that it is multi-use.

It can be a noun, a verb, and adjective....

During my conversation, don't know where it came from, but "dangling participle" popped in to my head. Can "Fuck" dangle? And, of course, once I got started on that path....I couldn't stop laughing....and I had to play with google....

"Walking back home yesterday, a tree nearly fell on my head. If strict logic is applied to that sentence, it should mean that the tree was walking back home: the subject of the main clause of a sentence (here, a tree) is assumed to be the subject of a phrase attached to the main clause – as in Being shy, she never said a word."

Hmmmm....

Fucking him hard, the bed moved across the floor....?

I don't think that's quite right. Give it a go in the comments, my dear dear Flowers.

- - -

While I was surfing for uses for the F word, and I found this kick ass list.

Someone actually put together a list of films that use the word fuck in them more than a hundred times. They even figured out how many times the word is used PER MINUTE. Rock on!

1. The Devil's Rejects (2005), 560 (100 minutes: 5.6 fucks/min)
2. Nil by Mouth (1997), 470 (128 minutes: 3.67 fucks/min)
3. Casino (1995), 422 (178 minutes: 2.37 fucks/min)
4. Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat (2002), 347 (113 minutes: 3.07 fucks/min)
5. Summer of Sam (1999), 326 (142 minutes: 2.29 fucks/min)
6. Twin Town (1997), 320 (99 minutes: 3.23 fucks/min)
7. Ken Loach's Sweet Sixteen (2002), 313 (106 minutes: 2.95 fucks/min)
8. Narc (2002), 298 (105 minutes: 2.83 fucks/min)
9. The Big Lebowski (1998), 281 (117 minutes: 2.4 fucks/min)
10. Tigerland (2000), 276 (100 minutes: 2.76 fucks/min)
11. (tie) Fubar (2002), 274 (76 minutes: 3.60 fucks/min) / Made (2001), 274 (94 minutes: 2.91 fucks/min)
12. Pulp Fiction (1994), 271 (154 minutes: 1.76 fucks/min)
13. Reservoir Dogs (1992), 252 (99 minutes: 2.55 fucks/min)
14. Dead Presidents (1995), 247 (119 minutes: 2.08 fucks/min)
15. (tie) Goodfellas (1990), 246 (145 minutes: 1.70 fucks/min) / The Boondock Saints (1999), 246 (110 minutes: 2.24 fucks/min)
16. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001), 228 (104 minutes: 2.19 fucks/min)
17. True Romance (1993), 225 (120 minutes: 1.88 fucks/min)
18. Empire (2002), 220 (90 minutes: 2.44 fucks/min)
19. Scarface (1983), 218 (170 minutes: 1.28 fucks/min)
20. Suicide Kings (1997), 207 (106 minutes: 1.95 fucks/min)
21. American History X (1998), 205 (119 minutes: 1.72 fucks/min)
22. 8 Mile (2002), 200 (110 minutes: 1.81 fucks/min)
23. Magnolia (1999), 190 (188 minutes: 1.01 fucks/min)
24. Belly (1998), 186 (96 minutes: 1.93 fucks/min)
25. (tie) Donnie Brasco (1997), 165 (127 minutes: 1.29 fucks/min) / Shaft (2000), 165 (99 minutes: 1.66 fucks/min)
26. Paid In Full (2002), 153 (97 minutes: 1.57 fucks/min)
27. Snatch (2000), 153 (102 minutes: 1.5 fucks/min)
28. Bad Santa (2003), 147 (91 minutes: 1.61 fucks/min)
29. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999), 146 (81 minutes: 1.80 fucks/min)
30. The Commitments (1991), 145 (118 minutes: 1.22 fucks/min)
31. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992), 139 (100 minutes: 1.39 fucks/min)
32. The Blair Witch Project (1999), 133 (86 minutes: 1.54 fucks/min)
33. Midnight Run (1988), 132 (126 minutes: 1.04 fucks/min)
34. Jackie Brown (1997), 131 (154 minutes: 0.85 fucks/min)
35. DDI, 130 (123 minutes: 1.06 fucks/min)
36. Good Will Hunting (1997), 129 (126 minutes: 1.02 fucks/min)
37. (tie) Cabin Fever (2002), 128 (93 minutes: 1.37 fucks/min) / Raging Bull (1980), 128 (129 minutes: .99 fucks/min)
38. Gigli (2003), 123 (121 minutes: 1.01 fucks/min)
39. Phone Booth (movie) (2002), 122 (81 minutes: 1.5 fucks/min)
40. (tie) Chasing Amy (1997), 121 (113 minutes: 1.07 fucks/min) / Training Day (2001), 121 (120 minutes: 1.008 fucks/min)
41. Dogma (1999), 120 (130 minutes: .92 fucks/min)
42. Sexy Beast (2000), 117 (89 minutes: 1.31 fucks/min)
43. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998), 114 (105 minutes: 1.08 fucks/min)
44. SLC Punk (1998), 110 (95 minutes:1.15 fucks/min)

Groovy!

HPF! Calling HPF! S.O.S.!!!!!

I have a friend who has a profile registered on a BDSM want ad type site. I wanted to look at the profile, but in order to do so I had to register a nickname....so, I did....about a week ago.

I was thinking any responses could be excellent blog fodder.

Aye carumba.

My email is currently flooded with notices that TXDomaster, GreeneyedDom69, SpankyurAss, ImaBadAss this or that or whatever wanting to use and abuse me.

If any Doms out there read my lil' blog, I have a question for you.

These men refer to me as "little one", "sweet one", "little girl" etc...

WTF is THAT all about?!?!?!

Why why why do 95% of 'em do that? Do other subs actually get off on it? Is there a "submissive manual" that says we want that?

I tell ya, it's driving me frikkin nuts!

DON'T CALL ME SWEET! DON'T CALL ME LITTLE GIRL!

I AM 30-EFFING-FIVE YEARS OLD!

Or if it goes the OTHER way, they start off by calling me a slut or the awful "c" word.

NICE!

I need to delete that profile. The crazies are swarming. I am already being harassed by a couple creeps. My little blog fodder experiment is making me nuts.

And the worst part...I'm running out of frikkin email space. *growl*

Hawwwwt Perverted Friend, would you PLEASE hurry up and come back from vacation? I get in to trouble without you around to distract me.

Any ideas?

Nate is having a really rough day.

I feel like someone wrapped a gold brick in a lemon, swaddled it all in a Battleflag, then promptly smashed it over my head... My stomach feels like there are twenty-seven flamin' squirrels in there, havin' some sort of unholy flamin' squirrel orgy.

If you know any good hangover cures, sounds like he could use 'em.

A kinky little sex quiz!

Wilma's sex quiz! Don't click on the link to her site if you are at work though. There's some wonderfully naughty pics of her and "Fred" that could get ya in trouble. Her naughty blog totally rocks. Thanks to Zoomie for turning me on to her!

How old are you? 35

What is your sexual orientation? I love men.

Are you attracted to any particular type of men? Tall and funny gets me every time. Not-so-tall and funny does it for me too. Sooo....I guess that means sense of humor is a priority. You have to have a good sense of humor to be with me, that's for dang sure. I like penetrating eyes, broad shoulders and strong arms too.

Any particular hair/eye color? mmmmmmmm.....dark hair and smoldering eyes or medium to light hair and green or blue eyes

How many viginities have you taken? one for sure, but I am suspicious about a second guy

How often do you masturbate? Daily? Few times a week? Depends on how often The-Man-Who-Pleasures-Me pleasures me. *wink*

Favorite place to masturbate? Bedroom

Favorite subject to masturbate about? I plead the fifth. ;)

Do you have a fetish? If so, what? I have so many I wouldn't know where to start.

Are you dominant, submissive, or both in the bedroom? primarily submissive, but switch every now and then

Tied up? Blindfolded? Spanks? Wax? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Lingerie? Stockings? Definitely

Foreplay... what is your technique? Multi-tasking. I'm everywhere with my hands and lips and tongue. Well, when I'm not tied up or down anyway. ;)

Do you roll play with your significant other? If so, what is your favorite? I'm not sure if it can be considered roll playing exactly...but there's certain things I do to "get in trouble" so that I will be "punished". *wicked grin*

Do you frequent a naughty store, catalog order, online porn shop? Yes, yes, yes.

If so, what was your last purchase? A new flogger and a new paddle. We've been enjoying them. Frequently. ;)

How old were you when you first saw a dirty magazine? About 10 or 11. My older cousin lived with us for a while and he had them all over his room. I was fascinated.

Do you currently have a subscription? If so, which ones? No, but we usually buy Playboy "for the articles". *snicker*

Do have a porn movie collection? Ohhhhhh yes. TMWPM even gave me some for my birthday. We both love porn.

If so, what are the main themes? Anal, oral, DP, lesbians, teens, mixture, fetishes? A little bit of everything, preferably with a bit of kink.

Do you know who Mr. Hardwick and Mr. Greenfield are? I didn't know who they were until I read Wilma's answers. They are characters in "Debbie Does Dallas" for those who didn't know either.

Have you performed or know what a Dirty Sanchez is? No and no. Anyone care to fill me in on what that is? Or do I not want to know? LOL

Boat? Train? Motorcycle? ATV? Yes, yes, haven't done it, would like to.

A member of the Mile-High club? Not yet. Working on it.

Do you have a name for your genital area? If so, who named it? Nope.

Ladies, which way does your clitoral clock wind? Clockwise, or counter clockwise? both, but mostly counter

What do you like to best after sex? Cuddle? Fall asleep? Go get something to eat? make out for a while, giggle, and fall asleep

How often is good enough? at least every other day, but every day is ideal

Sexual music preferences? industrial, anything with a wicked beat

If you could pick anyone, who would you do? Well.....If I went with a non-celebrity it would be the person from the top of my blog crush list because he has a legendary staying power. If I went with a celebrity it would be Trent Reznor 'cause he's frikkin kinky as hell, or Russell Crowe but only if he'd shower and wear his Gladiator costume for me.

Does anyone close to you know about your sex blog/ or frequents to them?
Yep.

Friends? Family? Co-workers? My best friend who is also a co-worker (aka BBF), my Hawt Perverted Friend, and a couple people who know me from my "straight" blog pop over sometimes.

So Flowers....feel like taking the quiz in my comments or on your own blogs? My inner perv would love to hear your answers. ;)

When to penetrate

I love looking through my counter statistics. I have been going long enough now (a month! Woo hoo!) that I am starting to get odd little google searches.

I found this little gem last night:
"When to penetrate" blush

Yes, that is exactly what the person typed, and how they typed it!

So I thought.....why not answer them?

The answer is simple.

"AFTER SUFFICIENT FOREPLAY" blush

If the person being penetrated is not properly lubed up, they are not going to enjoy being penetrated. If your partner is not enjoying being penetrated, it is going to significantly cut down on your fun as well! Common sense Flowers! Common sense!

Soooo.....Dr. Blondage recommends lots of kissing, touching, oral, talking dirty, spanking, or whatever else your partner is into. Warm 'em up and go for it.

Now, go have some really hawt sex and send the details my way.

*wicked grin*

Gym talk

Scene: Two tired blondes, sprawled on a gym floor after doing tons of crunches.

Blondage: Moans. Groans.

The Little General: Moans. Groans.

The Little General: OH! I learned something new in my Trainer class today!

Blondage: ....*raises head, looks at TLG, tries to focus*....

The Little General: ....*verrrry dramatically*.... If you don't breathe, you could DIE!

Blondage: ....*arches brow*.... Uhmmm, you had to go to CLASS to learn that?

The Little General: ....*jaw drops, blushes crimson, flips off Blondage, yells obscenities*.... When you're working out! I meant when you're working out!

Blondage: ....*arches brow higher, tries not to laugh*....

The Little General: If you don't breathe properly during weight training you could give yourself a heartattack!

Blondage: And DIE????

The Little General: ....*huffs and puffs and finally starts laughing*

Blondage: ....*laughs so hard she almost barfs up her protein shake*....

So my dear, dear flowers....DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE!

Audio Erotica - Watching You

Now remember Flowers.....THIS IS DIRTY!!!!!!!!! DO NOT play this in front of anyone who shouldn't hear it!!!!

Can't wait to hear what you think.

Enjoy!

Argh!

Had a few technical hiccups yesterday. Hopefully I will be able to finish the audio post at lunch today.

*wicked grin*

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Well damnit. I tried Flowers. Audio blogger won't let me post right now. YARRRRRGH!

I'll try again tonight.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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Woo hoo! Got it fixed! Just remember, it's NAUGHTY! You've been warned!!!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo