I need you.

Dearest, long lost Flowers, where ever you are....

Please lend me your ear for a moment. I need a shoulder or two to cry on.

We had an early Thanksgiving at my cousin's house today. We were there but 15 minutes when something absolutely hideous happened.

I wrote along the way about our journey to have children, and now my beautiful twin boys are almost a year and a half years old. They really are extraordinarily beautiful. Any time I take them somewhere people gasp. I mean seriously, they are gorgeous. Strawberry blonde hair, big turquoise blue eyes, dimples when they smile their beautiful smiles.... They take my breath away.

Today. Oh my God. Today, we went to an early Thanksgiving celebration with one side of my family. When we arrived, the boys were introduced to my cousin's small dog. It was carefully done, and the dog seemed to like the boys. Lord knows the boys loved her.

Approximately 15 minutes after our arrival, this dog, whom I have personally known and really liked for years, viciously attacked one of my babies. I am not exaggerating. If Coug reads this, she can tell you. I sent her a pic. It is AWFUL. He has at least four, possibly five bites on his face. I quit counting puncture wounds at 17. My poor sweet baby was very gently petting and loving on this dog and she jumped at him and began biting him. I SAW IT HAPPEN. I was five feet away. A family member was closer to him and kicked the dog away and saved my child. I grabbed my poor screaming baby and the whole house (30-40 people) just went nuts. Screaming and shock... I saw this dog bite my baby so many times and so fast, in mere seconds, and at one point was shaking her head with her teeth in his cheek. Thank God my young relative got the dog off my son as fast as he did or she might have gotten his eye. The bites are in multiple places -- left jaw, left cheek around what you would call the "apple", and there is a long scratch that leads to two more less serious bites on his forehead. The scratch is obviously from a tooth. This is no simple dog bite. My baby was mauled.

We rushed him to the hospital and the doctor told me point blank that he will have multiple scars. Period. There are creams that can help, but my beautiful, precious, sweet baby, that we fought ten years to have, is going to be permanently scarred from this. The doc even brought up plastic surgery. This is no mere bite. This was vicious.

When we got back from the hospital, my young relative who saved my baby came up to me and my boy and I lost it. I didn't get hysterical in the hospital, but I sure did when I saw that kid again. We stayed around an hour, and this kid never left my son's side. Eventually my son started acting like himself, wanting to play and such, and my young relative continued to shadow and watch over him. It was just the sweetest thing. I already loved this young man before this happened, but now, the feelings of love I have for him have multiplied by ten.

I've been through plenty of rough things in my life. Deaths of beloved family and friends, physical and medical problems, multiple miscarriages, and my father is in a fight for his life right now with cancer which has spread... I am sure you guys have had plenty of that type of crap happen to them too. It's all just part of life. My brain knows this. My brain also knows that there will be plenty of other boo boos with the boys that require medical attention along the way. But right now, as I watch my beautiful, precious boy with the horribly swollen, bruised, and cut up little face sleep, I am feeling something I have never felt before in my life. I don't even know what to call this feeling. Some sort of post traumatic terror I guess.

I'm thankful it wasn't worse (no eye damage, no punctures that went all the way through his cheek to the inside of his mouth) but my baby.....oh my God my poor baby.... I know he is going to be ok, but I can't stop staring at him. I am basically hovering over him even as I type.

And his twin.....his sweet brother...... The baby that was not hurt stayed at the house while we went to the E.R. Everyone said it was obvious he knew something was very, very wrong. He stayed quiet and clung to his grandmother. Very out of character for him to be like that. When we got back he ran up to his hurt brother and smiled and loved on him. Everyone cried. They really do have an amazing bond.

Thank you for listening. I needed to write this, vent about it, and I cannot talk about this on facebook, my play-ground of choice these days, because the owners of the dog are on my friends list. I have a feeling like people would be less than kind. They are already torturing themselves enough over this as it is.

I miss you, my pretty pretty Flowers.

S.O.S.

I have a happy life. Honestly, it's everything I ever wanted and ever dreamed of.

But.....

Why do I feel so......lonely?

It's so STUPID! I've got beautiful babies crawling in opposite directions, making me laugh hysterically all day long. I've got two snuggly cats, two very sweet dogs and a very good man that I'm married to. Why do I feel so ALONE?

Maybe I am just missing my job and seeing the Coug every day....? Plus, remember my former trainer/gf The Wee General? Well, TWG and her hub are divorced now, so she's never around anymore (she has a married Scandinavian bf - a story for another day).

I know part of my feeling all discombobulated is I never have time to write naughty stories or email friends anymore.

The bottom line is, I am a very social creature stuck inside a baby bubble.

Here's where I really confuse myself.

I love the baby bubble.

I just can't quite figure out how to get some balance in my life.

I feel like I am losing some of myself, and when that feeling pops in to my mind, I feel so GUILTY! I would die for my babies, but I want to be the social, creative, sexual maniac I used to be TOO.

Is it wrong to want it all? And if you answer that with a "no", how the heck do you get it?

Distance

Someone wrote me this week and asked me why I have been distancing myself from the blog.

My first instinct was, of course, to deny that...

...then I realized, wow, I kind of HAVE been doing that.

I think it is kind of a subconscious thing.

Hub and I both ran wild through the blogosphere for quite a few years.

It was AWESOME!!!!!

I certainly have no regrets.

(well...ok, if I am being honest, I do have one....)

I'm still a perv.

I just don't have time to express it anymore!

I do WANT to come back to the blog.

I haven't quite figured out how to work in the amount of "me" time it takes to write.

At the moment, I have one baby rolling across the floor destined for a head bump, and another baby sitting on my foot farting (yes, farting) and griping at me because he wants me to hold his hands while he walks.

Soooo.....

Time to go.

Be back eventually....

I hope.

Be happy for me Flowers. I love being a Mommy.

Tangential conversations with....myself?

My blog hits have gone from a high of 150,000 a day to about 200 a week. Crikey. I really appreciate the few of you out there who haven't given up on me yet. I think I have mentioned before that I rarely publish what I write.....right? Tonight I had a rare moment to myself and logged in to blogger. I started writing a polital post about movies (maybe I'll publish it, maybe I won't -- pttthhhhht! lol) when I got a bit distracted. The distracted part is kind of irrelevent I suppose. I mean, helllllo, I'm the Mommy of six month old twins (holy crap! six months?!?!? can you believe???), so I live in a constant state of distraction. Before I go off on a tangent about THAT (lol) let me tell ya what I was trying to tell ya. I discovered (or should I say rediscovered?) that I was a very, VERY angry girl for quite some time. I mean, wow. I was reading through some of the stuff that I never published, and just.....wow. WOW! If you've been a reader of mine for a while or are one of the few who lurk here who know me in r/l, you know I am a fairly happy, smiley, friendly person by nature. But.....those POSTS! I think I set my own hair on fire just by skimming through them! After I soaked them in a bit, I felt myself smiling.....which made me kinda giggle.....which made me start out right laughing.....which then made one of the babies giggle.....which totally distracted me (surprise surprise) so I had to go tickle him......which made me smile until my face hurt, and exhausted him in the process..... I am now back at the computer, typing with one hand while I hold a precious sleeping baby in my lap. Damn is this kid cute. *grin* I got distracted again. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, setting my own hair on fire.....not literally, thank God, though I did accidentally do that once in college.... Uhm.... Never mind. :) So, anger..... It's so WEIRD reading that old stuff. YIKES! I am so happy to be back to my normal self and away from bad ju-ju. The internet is EVIL. Now back to writing that blog post....and then I plan to surf...... *wink*